This meditation today scared me. I usually always remember what happens when I meditate but today, I lost track of it. I feel like I have left my body and saw something I wasn’t meant to see and now I am not allowed to recall it.
It’s puzzling me. I went super deep, I remember the spiraling energy all around me, through me outside of me, but I cannot remember what happened. It was like the forces of the earth happened on me then I drifted into the unknown and uncharted. I don’t like not knowing. I am used to being able to remember.
I kept thinking:
Where did I go? What did I see? How could this be happening?
My brain is totally lost! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to let go of the feeling… it’s frustrating.
Sometimes I find myself getting so caught up in the details.
At home, I work myself up when things don’t go at least somewhat as they should or how I envisioned in my mind. This is because I set an expectation. The root of all negative things for me stems from freaking expectations!
Today, I had a schedule to have a surf lesson. I was overtired and a little burnt out from the sun after my weekend getaway in Amed this past weekend. I felt like my outward energy was repelling the idea of surfing this morning. I mean I want to do it, but not today, is all I could think about.
All the stars aligned, however, because I accepted that whatever was meant to be, is what will be! I gave my energy to the universe and something happened. It was as if that second I let go of my feelings about whether the activity happened or not the bigger plan determined the course of the morning.
Rather than surfing, which I wasn’t ready to do today, I enjoyed a calming and enlightening yoga experience instead. This was exactly what my body was craving today. It was refreshing and the perfect way to get my new healing week under way.
The funny thing about all of it, is that I didn’t once feel irritated or disappointed that the day wasn’t perfect to plan. In fact, I realized that having faith in the bigger plan was more exhilarating and required less energy. I have come to believe that having a mental illness requires routine to some degree, but the routine has to feel right to me in my current state. That’s the part I keep pushing away, the reminder that routine is nice, but that I am more flexible than a strict schedule with diligent rules.
This go with the flow feeling has been so helpful for me in my healing journey. There are moments that I can sense my fear, my sadness about things at home, but then I remind myself that I can only control my reactions to the world around me. Life is supposed to be unpredictable and even messy at times. It’s up to me to find order for myself in the chaos. I am trying to honor that thoroughly.
This journey is meant to be how it is going. If I take a handful of cut paper and throw them on the floor, they will create an arrangement. The arrangement will never be the same if I try to do it again. I will choose to remember that everything that happens, will only ever happen this way once. That is why I must appreciate the experience because it will change even if all the factors are the same. ♥️🙏
Inner child therapy is fucking hard. It hurts a lot. It makes me see the pain much deeper than I thought was possible.
The wreck-less mess she made of me
I just realized today that my 15 year old self is a narcissistic, brat, who got traumatized so much she doesn’t know the difference between pleasure and pain. She has been in control more than the present me. I am 32 fucking years old and I have fallen down a lot to now allowing myself to lean on a bad time in my life when the hormonal and bitchy 15 year old was driving through like a freight train.
Not anymore. I’m kicking her ass and showing her who is in control now and how I will not give up control anymore. Time to sit down, the mama is coming out, the fighter is about to take you down to where you belong little girl. You’ve shown me yours and my own pain today, I’m grateful for that, but I will be damned if I keep letting you steal my joy.
Want to see the strength I have from being locked inside for so long? I am about to unleash the soldier.
Time for some boxing. Time to break open and fight, let my body, my fist, my legs fight it till the physical pain makes me stop hiding from her and eventually I will face her without disassociating.
In my mind she is 30 feet tall stepping on the joy, the love and the ability to heal myself.
Welcome to my healing journey. You are welcome to be here, you are invited, you are welcome to share your thoughts without my judgement. You are welcome to say or do whatever feels right to you without fear of hurting me. I love you and I want you here. I want you to share with me how I can support you as well as both honor and value the relationship between us.
xo
Sincerely,
the true Nicole
Thank you for coming here to read about my healing journey. By you being here, you are an ally in my healing journey. As part of my journey I wish to see myself being alive, being loved, being wrapped and emerged in joy and truth (good or bad), being truly in love with myself for the remainder of my life, and allowing others to feel their own feelings while braving the opinions of others even if they are critical.
By doing the work to love myself, I can see my value, my self worth, and to stand firm in my power and strength without being scared of it or wondering and hoping not to get swept up by what others think of me. This journey is one I wish to share, not because I’m asking for help, but to accept that life outside of healing is still there, and I love all of you enough (whomever you are and wherever you are) to want to share. I want to offer my apologies where they are needed and offer forgiveness where it is meant to be given.
Your words matter to me even if you aren’t sure they will help me on this journey, but perhaps they will help me in my future or I may never fully hear them and that is okay too. Speak your truth friends and stand in your own power with me, listen to your authentic self speak inside you and allow it to come out if it feels right.
Here’s my healing path explained
I believe in this life, we all heal our wounds differently. I used to think that healing meant not being allowed to look in on or at how the people I love are doing or what they might be saying about me. To not know about anyone or anything, to focus entirely on myself and escape the real world until I returned with new wisdom, is a temporary solution for me.
While I don’t judge anyone that feels that this method works for best them. I am working on being aware of when my advice is mindful and accepting or controlling and judge mental.
A journey that is started is meant to have its peaks and valleys. Try as I might, I will only heal when I am meant to and not a moment sooner.
Through my open healing, I want to experience a true, a full and an enlightened healing that stays with me for many years to come. I strongly disagree that those who choose to heal out loud are codependent or seeking attention. Sometimes, I just find it easier to hear the perspectives as others, and being able to draw inspiration and comfort when the world gets overwhelming. I believe that there is nothing wrong with being connected to those around you as long as you can hear your inner voice speaking louder than the voices of others and always do what is best for you from the inside out.
My Spiritual Realization with My Higher Power
My Lord Jesus, who I believe created me (and mind you I don’t expect anyone to have the same belief as I do and I will never judge you for your beliefs), wanted me to be a beacon of connection to life through love and joy. He created me to start fires when they were necessary to provide me growth and to have the power to put the fire out in the timing He planned for me. He didn’t leave me alone with or in the fire, He never let me burn alive, He always made sure that there were many escape plans for me to use should I need them, and He never let me set fires that He knew I couldn’t handle. He believes in me, because He knows who I am more than anyone else. He knows that He built me to be capable of chaos with purpose, but also capable of deep, unconditional love for my neighbors and the creatures He created to roam this Earth. Furthermore, and to finish this thought, He never left me alone in the fire and always made sure that I got what I needed from it before I walked away.
He always stood with me, guiding me like only a devoted Father can. So to my Lord I say, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for revealing your love and purpose for me in the life you have blessed me with. For continuing to love me through my stubbornness, doubts and insecurities. I may not have understood your reasons for presenting me with my past and present hardships, I may have cursed at you at times for the pain I have been in, gotten angry with you Lord and even believed you weren’t there because the pain I was experiencing felt desolate and deeper than the human world could go, but you were sharing your light, knowing that I was meant to be a healer, a loving source of energy, and that the journey to finding that truth would be the most incredible experience of my life. 🙏
My Theory about my Strength and Power and Why Bali was Where I went to Find my Purpose and Kick Start my Healing
When I arrived at the Be Kind Retreats here in beautiful Bali, the incredibly strong and wonderful Loes said something in the opening ceremony that will forever stay with me. She said:
If you ask for it, Bali always gives you what you want and need.
She was so unbelievably right and maybe she doesn’t know it, but she will be with me forever because she said that. I believe the moment those words left her mouth, she unlocked my deepest healing power within myself. She showed me my true strength and my truest healing purpose. It wasn’t what I expected at all and at first that scared me. Now I am so exhilarated to finish this journey, after absorbing the power it’s providing, and be embraced by my truest self. For the story of my truest self, I will write a separate blog because what I saw when I met my true self, has me so beyond encouraged to be her.
My theory about why I came on this healing journey was because I felt that I was being consumed by pain and distrust from within myself. I was drowning and no one was able to save me. Now I know it wasn’t someone’s job to save me, it was my own job that I was neglecting because it appeared too hard. The truth is that the healing journey was meant for me to meet my power and strength and to understand the purpose of these incredibly large forces that were bestowed upon me and earned by me through my suffering.
See the way (I learned here in Bali) is that my power and strength works for healing myself by healing those around me and experiencing the good and bad connections of life while healing myself. I want to be surrounded with good vibes, love, and to bring my people along on this journey to be a part of the steps I take to meet my true self.
My enlightenment comes for and from those I love regardless of how some might disagree with that belief or believe that is codependency causing this. Truly, I believe codependency is a symptom of not understanding the true forces of exchanging love and power. That is something I am working on doing honestly and with intention too. Furthermore, I don’t ask for opinions so people make my choices for me, I ask for opinions so I can gather perspective as I make big decisions. If you ask my mother, bless her patient heart, I will likely not take your advice because I am going to inevitably do it the way that feels right for me, whether it is right or wrong to anyone else.
Fresh Fruit Smoothies in Ubud with Jim and Lee. Perfect way to show myself love after a tough trek down to the holy water.
Medicine. Nervous breakdowns. Depression. Bipolar. Rapid Cycling. Suicide…. what does it all mean? Why does it happen?
I have been living in this circle of hell for a long time. A place where my mind believes it’s trapped. I’m done being trapped. Being trapped is like not knowing yourself at all and hoping you find yourself one day, “eventually”, “miraculously”.
Many people in my life have told me that “nothing great or worth having ever comes easy”! Well then I guess finding myself will be the greatest quest I ever embarked on because I will finally know me after the hardest few years of my life.
I opened my eyes tonight to this opportunity. It came when I heard this song. Quick tidbit about me, I have an obsession with finding music that I have never heard and seeing if the song can invoke any feelings and this song did.
It’s called “Oceans” by Seafret.
I am sure the song was meant for someone that he loved and lost but in my case, it’s for the me I must have loved at some point but then I lost myself ….
I still wonder how I got so lost. What happened to allow me to drift so far? Maybe I don’t need to know that answer, maybe I do, or maybe I just need to know how to be better than just okay.
I have so many friends I admire so much, for their strength in persevering when life has kicked them down. Maybe they hid their pain better than me, but watching them survive stuff I knew I wouldn’t survive as well made me want to fix me.
My friend K went through a brutal heartache, hurt for a long time, and survived and is thriving. My friend Andrea wrote a book about surviving divorce with children call Single Mom Slaying It. My friend D suffered an illness that doctors couldn’t figure out and tried to put him on mental health meds. My friend M went through a terrible breakup after being in a relationship for ten years.
My friends are WARRIORS! I kept thinking to myself, “Why can’t I be a warrior too?” No one said I couldn’t so I’m going to try with everything left in me to come back from this.
To all of you who have let me in on what you struggle with, thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the strength to believe I can overcome this too. You are all my people for life no matter where we all end up!
The only words that are going through my head is “why?”
Three letters and a world of uncertainty behind what they might mean for me, what the answer might be.
Will I be ready to hear the answer?
… I am sure you are wondering why I am asking why? Or maybe you think I am losing it and my journey is too dramatic for you? I am too negative? Too much for you?
Well this might not surprise you but why do you think I don’t want to burden anyone anymore? Because of this ……
I ask myself, my few friends I know still care, and my family why am I like this? Why do I have to live like this? Why can’t I be surface-level normal like everyone else, even with medication?
Why …..
I don’t know that I want to know the answer. Perhaps the answer may be exactly the damage I will not be brave enough to survive. So I will live with the Why’s until I am strong enough, brave enough, to hear the reason and believe it.
Hopefully the answer to Why will not matter anymore by then.
Maybe it’s just me, but letting go has never been easy for me. In fact I feel abandoned, rejected and deep emotional pain when someone says to me, “you have to let go.” I feel like the option is worse than the thought of dying, but perhaps that why it is necessary.
Some of my friends tell me to be alone for a while, some of them tell me to enjoy myself and figure it out along the journey. It’s time for me to figure that out.
What do I want? And what’s the goals to getting what I want?
I dreamed for a long time of being an astronaut then I grew a fear of that concept when history class taught me about the space shuttle that exploded before take off. My new dream then became being a doctor. But with two kids and no time or money to spare, and a serious lack of interest in calculus, that seems like a lofty dream.
I guess I need to start dreaming again at 32. I need to write myself a new story with a new dream, new goals and new confidence.
Letting go of him, of the family I built and thought I would never lose, has been the worst pain I have experienced in a long time. I have to accept it and let the tears come when they do so I can believe in myself again. So I can wash away the pain and grow from here. Sadness scares me, loneliness sounds sad, and I never wanted either of those two emotions to become my own reality. I guess it just proves that I am capable of more than you ever imagined about myself! One day at a time.
Goals for now:
Goal number 1: I have to start driving! I have to do this so I can open all the doors I have closed in my life since I developed a fear of driving.
Goal number 2: become the best mom I could ever be! Give my boys all my love, affection and happiness. They are the priority, they are my only concern!
Goal number 3: quit smoking and begin transforming my health. No more junk, better eating habits, better fitness routines, better self love and a lot more balance in my life.
Goal number 4: more spirituality and more focus on being mentally healthy.
I think I owe it to myself to start this journey and begin to gain momentum with these goals so I can believe in myself again, instead of hiding from myself and the world. To begin, my first piece is to accept that my family is broken but it isn’t going to break me and my children. I hated the thought of being alone, being a single mom, but I am going to be okay if I focus on my true happiness and finding what’s next for myself.
Suicide is not selfish. Suicide is deep and inescapable pain that could only be ended when life is over. September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day, educate yourself on suicide and save a life.
Today is “World Suicide Prevention Day”. It’s a little ironic that it is one day before 9/11 when a group of men decided to commit suicide and take the lives of many innocent people while ending their own lives.
I have struggled to understand suicide until I myself was forced to face the overwhelming feelings of wanting to end the pain during some tough depressive episodes. I was surprised to learn that suicide isn’t isolated to just those who suffer from mental health disorders, which I had always believed, however, suicide affects many people for many different reasons. I feel blessed to have had a strong support system in my toughest and darkest moments.
What World Suicide Prevention Day Means to me: My Suicide Stories
Today is an important day for me because I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and ideations for many years. Trying to remind myself that I am not a burden to those I love is the hardest thing to do when I feel as low as I could be. Many times, I fought for my survival before I would reach a point of Suicide because of TJ.
When I was 15, TJ, the first man I ever loved, took his own life. I spent 17 years blaming myself, feeling enormous grief, and struggling with the agony of knowing he was gone. Until recently, when I spoke to his brother about what really led to his decision, I blamed myself for being the last one to speak to him before he made the choice that changed my life forever.
I didn’t know then what I know now. What I learned through my own depression is that suicide doesn’t discriminate about whether someone is beautiful, popular, easy to get along with, caring, and honest, suicide is an inescapable depressive state where your mind is at war with itself and has convinced you that if you live, the people who love you have to be burdened by your pain and hopelessness. That the people who love you will always have to work exceptionally hard to remind you that you are worthy and that you will be okay.
The simple truth is people who commit suicide do so to save the people they love from having to be burdened by their own deep sadness and pain. Suicidal thoughts don’t see another option when you are staring at the abyss of deep and endless depression. The depression becomes all consuming, sucking away your energy, all the positive thoughts, all the love you have, and all the reasons you are worthy. Depression doesn’t fight fair, in fact it fights you with your deepest fears, your worst memories, your hardest losses and all the self conscious parts of yourself. It reminds you constantly that you are worthless, ugly, unloved, unhappy, and a huge burden to the people whom you love.
Most people say to me when I’m low, “what about your children? What about your family? You have so much to live for and so many people who love you. You are so kind, beautiful, talented and you are better than this.” I have even heard people say, “snap out of it, stop being dramatic. Your life seems so perfect. You are going to hurt so many people. Don’t leave me because I love you and it will kill me to see you gone.”
The reality is this, when you are at the edge of a cliff, you have already made the choice that the ones you love are better off without you and the burdens you believe yourself to be (no matter how untrue it is). In your mind, you are staring into a great void. You have been fighting for days, weeks and years to convince yourself that you are worthy, but you have failed at doing that and the only way to escape is to end the pain, to stop the thoughts and be at peace. There is no, “get it together” switch inside the mind. Being attacked by the mind is a war far greater than most people realize.
Depression illuminates the brain and sets your mind into a free fall of all the sadness and negativity you have ever experienced. It’s traumatizing to experience painful memories all over again in vivid detail as the brain fires off one thing after another.
I used to have panic attacks when I would think about suicide, then I started to embrace that I wasn’t enough and never would be. Many of you have never, and hopefully will never, know what it feels like to stare into the darkness and how much strength it takes to come out of it with your life. I don’t have a desire to die, but many times I had a desire to end the torment so I can be at peace.
Today, for World Suicide Prevention Day, check on someone who you feel or know is struggling. Take it from me, if someone would have checked on me during my hopelessness, I may have had a reason “why not” to resort to suicide. Someone sharing that they care in my darkest hour may have given me a small glimmer of hope to get help before I found myself writing my final goodbyes. A phone call, not a text, or a visit can save a life. Be someone’s hero so you never have to attend their funeral and feel the blame of not having done something to show them you care.
Learn more about Suicide
A great resource is The Depression Project. They share incredible information about detecting whether or not someone you love is at risk for suicide. The Depression Project started the Semicolon Project
Suicide is a complex issue involving numerous factors and should not be attributed to any one single cause. Not all people who die by suicide have been diagnosed with a mental illness and not all people with a mental illness attempt to end their lives by suicide.
Andrew Solomon delivers a deeply profound truth during his TED Talk entitled, “Depression, the Secret We Share.”
We know depression through metaphors. Emily Dickinson was able to convey it in language. Goya in an image. Half the purpose of art is to describe such iconic states. As for me, I had always thought myself tough, one of the people who could survive if I had been sent to a concentration camp.
He continues to say,
One of the things about depression is that you know it’s ridiculous. You know it’s ridiculous while your experiencing it. You know that most people manage to listen to their messages and eat lunch and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door and that it’s not a big deal, and yet you are none-the-less in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it.
If you have been dealing with some guilt from lying to someone you love, or have trust issues from being lied to, or live with mental health disorders and find yourself living in a fantasy world, this new podcast is for you. The Sounds of Life and The Panic Spot joined forces to talk about a sensitive subject, lying and trust issues. There is a lot to be said about lying for the proverbial normal person versus the mentally ill.
In my life, I have had many instances when I found myself being told that I said something I didn’t remember saying (whether true or not) because I lived in a fantasy world. Why did I live in a fantasy world? Due to a combination of little trauma’s and then some big ones as well as trying to cope with bipolar disorder. Eventually trauma catches up to you and changes the makeup of your brain. (side-note: I have always wondered to myself if post traumatic stress disorder PTSD can cause bipolar disorder?) I have been told since I was about 10 or 11 that I have bipolar disorder. I laughed and went on living my life like any therapist, doctor, psychiatrist or whomever tried to tell me that I was sick with this illness, didn’t exist. I even went as far as printing up a whole bunch of stuff on my windows 95 computer disputing my issues. Of course, looking back on it now, I was looking more bipolar simply for doing that.
Anyways, I wanted to share that little bit about my personal experience with bipolar disorder because it has hugely impacted my life, especially where trust and lying is concerned. I hope you have the chance to listen and enjoy the podcast. Leave a comment and let me know your thoughts as well as what you would like to hear more about. Being bipolar is tough, share your story with me anytime at thepanicspot@gmail.com or on Instagram @colliee87 or any other social media account for The Panic Spot. I am always here for all of you. I know how tough this illness can be on you, your family and your personal and professional life. Don’t give up fighting the good fight, even when you encounter endless obstacles.
Hey everyone. I have been so stressed out with life lately that posting on Instagram has been about the only thing I do to keep up with my mental health network online and I know that isn’t enough. Just a crazy couple of months with the holidays and then school starting back up and football for my oldest son… I am starting to spin a little lol!! Plus I am back to work after taking some time off to get my mental and physical health in order. I was diagnosed with a condition called Dysautonomia (also called POTS) and that explains why I have been so off this last year.
Also, I have finally decided to get medicated for my bipolar disorder. Normally I enjoy the ups and downs, because they never get so bad and I get surges of creativity and enlightenment, but lately they have been super shitty. I get really down and it is physically draining, plus I have developed awful anxiety over absolutely nothing and the panic attacks are true hell. Before, I used to think it would pass and somehow it was what I was eating or not eating that was causing the panic attacks to come on stronger. I also thought maybe it was the benzos that the doctor put me on to manage the panic attacks that was making it worse. Needless to say, I quit the benzos, Valium to be exact, and started eating healthier and working out which seems to be helping quite a bit. The healthier lifestyle unfortunately isn’t helping the terrible bipolar episodes but I am going to see my new psychiatrist this Friday to try medications that will help manage the bipolar.
In addition, I started seeing a new therapist. She is my mom’s pick for me. Apparently she is well versed in dealing with substance abuse, bipolar, anxiety, depression, panic and PTSD. I am not convinced that therapy helps at this point because it hasn’t worked yet and I cannot remember a time I was not in therapy over the passed 10 or so years (that may be a slight exaggeration but I truly cannot remember how long it has been).
My boyfriend, as of lately, has me wondering if I am marriage material for him since we have been together for 4 years and he has yet to ask me to marry him. I am thinking it is because of my crazy manic or depressed episodes, but I have had boyfriends who were around a lot less time and asked for my hand in marriage so it blows my mind that I have been in this committed relationship for 4 going on 5 years and no ring or even talking about a ring. Is it wrong that I am questioning this? If we were younger, I could understand the need to wait, but I am 30 almost 31 with 2 kids. I live with this man and share everything with him, I feel like marriage conversations should have happened a million times already. This isn’t meant to throw him under the bus, I just feel like my 30’s are pushing me to want a more grown up relationship and I don’t feel bad about that. I am not in my teens or twenties and I feel weird calling a man my boyfriend like a bunch of youngens.
Lastly, I have been super stressed out about my health. I have been getting super shaky during the day around breakfast, lunch and dinner time because I am starving. I have never felt like that before and it is really messing me up. I used to be a soda drinker and now, I down water all day and night so this isn’t making much sense to me. Maybe I need to have some blood work done to check my hemoglobin or my thyroid checked. I don’t know much about this, I just know its affecting my ability to control my panic attacks. I usually can control them if it is only a panic attack but if it is more than anxiety, and my brain is thinking “you are hungry”, “you are shaking”, “your stomach is hurting”, “your muscles are hurting”, “your head is hurting”, or “you need a cigarette (which I haven’t smoked since November)”, then the panic attacks go from 0 to 60. I don’t like those panic attacks. They scare me because I can’t use my tools to calm them down, I have to do something like eat or go to the bathroom or stretch.
I always say to myself, “one day this will hopefully pass and you will be able to live without constant fear.” I have been saying that for 6 or more years. I am convinced that I will not get through this and that is bothersome to me. I have never been a “normal person” but at least before panic attacks, I could drive a car, be alone, go shopping alone, or just generally be okay in my own skin. I only vaguely remember what that was like. I do try my ass off to keep reminding myself that there is a way that this will get better and I have to have both faith and patience that whatever is meant to be, will be. Patience is harder than faith though. I can give this over to my higher power (Jesus for me) but I cannot seem to be patient. That is the part I need to release control of. I know that being on the proper medications will help a lot of anxiety for me, and the tools I learned will sort out the rest (hopefully).
Anyhow, I just wanted to post an update after being incognito for a little while. I will try to be more invested in blogging and keeping you all up to date on whats going on with me.
An Occasional Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love, The Way of the Marys, and The Age of the Heart. . .with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
The Panic Spot 