Choosing Wonder

Choosing Wonder IS the easiest choice. Wonder expresses how much you value the feelings of anxiety and how badly you want to heal those feelings. Amber Rae offers some amazing advice in her authentic book, “Choose Wonder over Worry.”

I have read and continue to read this incredible book I found by chance called, “Choose Wonder Over Worry,” by Amber Rae. Let me say, I give this book 10 out of 5 stars because 5 just doesn’t seem like enough.

I have been through a lot in my life and I don’t remember experiencing noteworthy anxiety until I was in my early 20’s. Now, after years of suffering, reading blogs, forums, medical journals, books, anything that would help me understand and overcome this intense fear I had inside, I found this book.

This book was the first thing that truly resonated with me and it’s taken me so long to write this blog because I couldn’t think of the right words to express to everyone of how invaluable this book became in my healing journey.

If you haven’t read the book, click here to buy it. Truly the author, Amber Rae, speaks from experience.

While I read this book, I have become obsessed with highlighting the best parts. When I finished reading, I had highlighted nearly the whole book. Every chapter fulfills the lessons I need in order to be the best me and offer my best self everyday to everyone.

She adds journal posts to the end of almost every chapter called, “Journal Into Wonder.” I am going to write posts journaling my entries so I can find my awesome fellow “wonder writers” who want to share in this healing journey together.

The First Journal Entry

Again, grab the book here if you want to join in this fun series!

“The answers are already within you. You’ll find journal prompts throughout the book to connect you with your inner knowing and voice of truth. Begin with this inquiry:”

What is your relationship like with Worry? With Wonder?

– Amber Rae “Wonder Over Worry”

My Relationship with Worry

I connected with Worry when I was in my early 20’s right after my son was born. I had always had a little cautious voice inside telling me to be careful, make smart choices, and I was not great at listening to it. The worrying really began when I was responsible for another human life with the birth of my first child.

Suddenly the world was more dangerous, the emotional roller coasters were more harmful, and I was all around terrified about how all this would affect the wellbeing of this tiny human that was entrusted to me. I started having anxiety attacks when he was about 6 months old, and soon after, I developed panic attacks and phobias of driving and being alone. My relationship with Worry became a 10+ year quest to balancing my internal fear with the reality and faith of being alive.

My Relationship with Wonder

Wonder was never easy for me to comprehend, even though I have a naturally curious personality. I considered myself to be a logistical person, everything had to make sense in a realistic way.

The concept of wonder is fairly new to me still. Prior to reading this book, I would allow myself to get anxious when I was feeling anxious. Now, I think about the meaning behind the anxiety and try to be patient with myself throughout the observation and consideration of what is going on to cause the anxiety.

I would say wonder has opened my mind to exploring what hides beneath the anxiety, the fear, the phobias to discover how to heal myself.

I encourage you again to grab this book and get involved in this impromptu conversation digging into Wonder and Worry. If you are suffering from Panic attacks or anxiety attacks, I know you will appreciate the work of Amber Rae.

I suspect you’re reading this because there are aspects of yourself that you want to discover and express. I wrote this book to coax that out of you. To show what’s possible when wonder leads the way.

“Choose Wonder Over Worry” by Amber Rae

Been A Little While…

Hey everyone.  I have been so stressed out with life lately that posting on Instagram has been about the only thing I do to keep up with my mental health network online and I know that isn’t enough.  Just a crazy couple of months with the holidays and then school starting back up and football for my oldest son… I am starting to spin a little lol!! Plus I am back to work after taking some time off to get my mental and physical health in order.  I was diagnosed with a condition called Dysautonomia (also called POTS) and that explains why I have been so off this last year.

Also, I have finally decided to get medicated for my bipolar disorder.  Normally I enjoy the ups and downs, because they never get so bad and I get surges of creativity and enlightenment, but lately they have been super shitty.  I get really down and it is physically draining, plus I have developed awful anxiety over absolutely nothing and the panic attacks are true hell.  Before, I used to think it would pass and somehow it was what I was eating or not eating that was causing the panic attacks to come on stronger.  I also thought maybe it was the benzos that the doctor put me on to manage the panic attacks that was making it worse.  Needless to say, I quit the benzos, Valium to be exact, and started eating healthier and working out which seems to be helping quite a bit.  The healthier lifestyle unfortunately isn’t helping the terrible bipolar episodes but I am going to see my new psychiatrist this Friday to try medications that will help manage the bipolar.

In addition, I started seeing a new therapist.  She is my mom’s pick for me.  Apparently she is well versed in dealing with substance abuse, bipolar, anxiety, depression, panic and PTSD.  I am not convinced that therapy helps at this point because it hasn’t worked yet and I cannot remember a time I was not in therapy over the passed 10 or so years (that may be a slight exaggeration but I truly cannot remember how long it has been).

My boyfriend, as of lately, has me wondering if I am marriage material for him since we have been together for 4 years and he has yet to ask me to marry him.  I am thinking it is because of my crazy manic or depressed episodes, but I have had boyfriends who were around a lot less time and asked for my hand in marriage so it blows my mind that I have been in this committed relationship for 4 going on 5 years and no ring or even talking about a ring.  Is it wrong that I am questioning this?  If we were younger, I could understand the need to wait, but I am 30 almost 31 with 2 kids. I live with this man and share everything with him, I feel like marriage conversations should have happened a million times already.  This isn’t meant to throw him under the bus, I just feel like my 30’s are pushing me to want a more grown up relationship and I don’t feel bad about that.  I am not in my teens or twenties and I feel weird calling a man my boyfriend like a bunch of youngens.

Lastly, I have been super stressed out about my health. I have been getting super shaky during the day around breakfast, lunch and dinner time because I am starving.  I have never felt like that before and it is really messing me up.  I used to be a soda drinker and now, I down water all day and night so this isn’t making much sense to me.  Maybe I need to have some blood work done to check my hemoglobin or my thyroid checked. I don’t know much about this, I just know its affecting my ability to control my panic attacks.  I usually can control them if it is only a panic attack but if it is more than anxiety, and my brain is thinking “you are hungry”, “you are shaking”, “your stomach is hurting”, “your muscles are hurting”, “your head is hurting”, or “you need a cigarette (which I haven’t smoked since November)”, then the panic attacks go from 0 to 60.  I don’t like those panic attacks.  They scare me because I can’t use my tools to calm them down, I have to do something like eat or go to the bathroom or stretch.

I always say to myself, “one day this will hopefully pass and you will be able to live without constant fear.” I have been saying that for 6 or more years.  I am convinced that I will not get through this and that is bothersome to me.  I have never been a “normal person” but at least before panic attacks, I could drive a car, be alone, go shopping alone, or just generally be okay in my own skin. I only vaguely remember what that was like.  I do try my ass off to keep reminding myself that there is a way that this will get better and I have to have both faith and patience that whatever is meant to be, will be.  Patience is harder than faith though.  I can give this over to my higher power (Jesus for me) but I cannot seem to be patient.  That is the part I need to release control of.  I know that being on the proper medications will help a lot of anxiety for me, and the tools I learned will sort out the rest (hopefully).

Anyhow, I just wanted to post an update after being incognito for a little while.  I will try to be more invested in blogging and keeping you all up to date on whats going on with me.

XO,

Niki