The Fragile State of Frustration

In life, I have made these choices that I knew would probably end up bad at the time I made them, but I forged forward ignoring the clear signs. Maybe my hope in humanity is much greater than it should be, but I can’t stop believing that people are more good than bad.

I was taught by my amazing parents to treat others the way you want to be treated. I struggled for a long time with this lesson, and I even lied to myself that I was doing it, when I wasn’t in many cases. I know lately, I have been making an amazing effort to be good to those who are good to me and that is a beautiful transformation.

The Frustration About My Recent Choices

Lately, I have made an insane amount of good and bad choices in regards to my happiness and who I surround myself with.

The best choice I have made lately is my choice in a lover. My sweet, handsome spark of goodness who makes everything positive, even when it seems impossible.

The worst choices I have made, as of recently, was letting an old friend tear me apart again, believing she was actually a good person who was capable of love and compassion. Then I made the bad choice of believing (and having faith) that my ex was capable of being a decent human being when clearly he isn’t, and never will be. Both of these people do not have boundaries and would benefit from learning how to give as much as they take, and now I know that they are not good for me. It hurts a lot to let them both go again, but at least I stayed true, and authentic to myself throughout the situations that were meant to destroy my self confidence. I gave them both a chance in hopes that there was more to the story then the pain and destruction they continuously bring into my life.

I’m moving forward now

Someone once said to me:

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

From now on, I am no longer going to waste my time, energy and loyalty on people who don’t wish to exchange energy in a healthy way. I have an amazing amount of love in my life because I surround myself with good, decent, positive people who do not believe in harming me for fun or shoving their feelings down my throat as though I have no feelings to feel myself.

I want to blame my need to salvage bad relationships and selfish people from their personal torments on my own empathy, but truly I just care so much and have so much compassion for others that I give my heart and soul to everything and, sometimes, I never get the same respect in return.

In fact, I got told that I am abusive, and narcissistic because I wrote an honest post about my own feelings on a situation that hurt me. The post, entitled, “Speaking to the Wall with Thorns,” was my lament for how I felt after being hurt by someone for the millionth time. It was a healing post for me.

Although I never mentioned any names in my post, it was stated that the person who was the subject of the post was hurt by it. Due to this fact, it gave this person the right to emotionally abuse me even when I stopped fighting and defending myself through a text message war that came out of nowhere.

No!

Abuse is when you continue to come at someone with physically, emotionally, and mentally damaging intentions because you either derive joy from hurting someone else or you feel that you’re feelings or thoughts are more valid then the other persons.

I am not that kind of person. I don’t derive pleasure from hurting others nor do I want to invalidate another persons feelings to justify my own. I don’t need someone to validate my feelings and I don’t need to righteously justify myself in anyway. My intentions are always to love and appreciate others. I may have a hard time sometimes, but I always pull through to love and appreciate others.

The Good Choices Shine Brightest

When I finally reached my limit of drama with my recent choices, I had a momentary break down this morning. I looked up and my best choice was meeting my teary eyed glance with sympathy. He cared about my hurt, my pain, and it wasn’t a half hearted care, it was a truly devoted, truly sincere care for my wellbeing. He looked at me like he would do anything to see me smile through the pain he witnessed me experiencing these past few days.

That amazing choice in my seemingly messy, and chaotic life is a great man. I feel sometimes that I don’t deserve him at all! He is a truly awesome person who will do whatever he can to make me smile through the pain or hold me while I cry it out.

He saw me down and gave me chocolate ♥️🙏

In return, I feel the same way! I never want to see him in pain and I am beyond grateful to have his loving embrace when the overwhelming burden of over-loving and over-caring for ungrateful and harmful people is too great for me. This is an exchange of good energy with someone capable of giving and receiving energy in a healthy way.

Note to Self From The Pain to The Gain

Note to self moving forward from this horrible storm in my life right now, I am worthy of respect and love from those who I invite into my life. I will not ever be held down by my past or treated unkindly to justify someone else’s feelings or stressors. Compassion and ability to care for someone even when you don’t always agree, is a must in my choice of who will stay in my life from this moment on.

I try to remember, we are all stressed and we all have feelings, but no ones feelings and stressors are more important or more valid than another person’s feelings or stressors.

Literally, No one is more important than another.

It does not make me narcissistic or selfish if I miss a message, or don’t always have time to listen one time to someone I care for (especially when it is rare that I can’t find time for everyone I love). If I am working a million hours to care for two special needs kids, or have a lot on my plate in general, I don’t need to justify that to someone who’s intentions are to harm me regardless. In addition, every single person has narcissistic traits, but if you believe someone is narcissistic because they are doing the best they can to get by, then is it really worth it to try to hurt them? No!

No more!

I will not have friends or people in my life who want to be passive-aggressive, or flat out aggressive, and hurt me even when I say, “I’m sorry,” for something I don’t fully believe I should be sorry for.

The sad reality I am beginning to see is that there are people who don’t want an apology. Sorry is just the beginning of your efforts to make them happy, then they want your undivided attention whenever they ask for it, and all of your time should be theirs if they ask for it also. This kind of relationship or friendship is too much of a burden for me. I don’t need this drama in my life. I choose to send these people away with love and leave it alone.

I am happy with who I have become and I had a momentary breakdown when I looked at my recent choices and realized that these two people have made me question if I really changed or not. If someone makes me question my kindness, my unconditional love for others, or my sanity, they aren’t good for me.

It’s hard for me to accept defeat, but I am not going to fight for someone else’s respect, love or loyalty anymore.

You showed me who you are, and I choose to believe you and send you away with love and hope you find happiness in this life. ♥️🙏

My Real Life …. Huge Joke

I’m home. I missed being home because of the familiar faces and my children. But I am miserable.

I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, I wish I could understand how I am capable of being my truest self in Bali, then coming home and forgetting who I am. I was so Happy and so alive, feeling healthy and wonderful in Bali to coming home and feeling like my true self took a hike and left a shell of that girl in its place.

I know I am jet lagged, which is why I am trying so hard to be patient, but it seems to me that this isn’t much different than before I left. I just genuinely hate myself here in my real life. My real life is currently a mix of heartache, pain, sadness from missing my children, worthlessness from being a shitty mom to a shitty daughter, shitty human, shitty friend. I feel like I’m two feet tall with no strength.

I didn’t have the urge to be depressed or manic while I was away, now I have this strong desire to lay in my bed and forget the world exists. I am so tired of fighting this emptiness. I am literally exhausted from not being able to see myself being happy here no matter how hard I fucking try.

If it is true that everywhere you go there you are, then why? Why was I happy and now I can’t see one happy thing here? I got home and all the air was sucked out of the sky and given to more important people than me.

I wish I could make sense of this, but I don’t have any answers. I just feel like my family is happier when I’m not here, most likely everyone is. I am too much for them, too much of a stressor, too much of a mess, too loud, I shine too brightly that it’s annoying. I can’t seem to find the energy to pick myself up in this world I live in. I feel depleted all the time. Exhausted and sad and pathetic, and it all started with the shitty stuff my ex has put me through!

Yes I am aware of how pathetic it is to love someone who doesn’t love you, how pathetic it is to have your family helping to care for you because you are not working enough to do it yourself. I know it’s pathetic that I can’t drive! I’m just pathetic. The sooner I accept it the better.

Today, it was suggested I have Stockholm syndrome. I am so tired of everything having to have a meaning. Maybe it’s nothing more than being totally done with life here! Maybe I’m just broken hearted. Maybe I just loved him! Maybe I just feel sad because I’m heartbroken. Maybe I need to lay in bed and let the exhaustion figure itself out. Medication won’t fix it, therapy won’t fix it, working is scaring me because driving is still scaring the shit out of me! I truly feel like I’m locked in a cage.

Maybe I’m unfixable. Maybe that’s just what it is and I’m never going to be enough for the people that support me! Maybe it’s just the way it is because I’m not perfect and I won’t make the logical decisions they know I need to, but logic means losing the last chance I have for a true family. That hurts more than anything he could do or say to me.

Of course my logical brain knows that he is no good for me, in fact he is terrible to me, and I should run away. Of course my logical brain knows I am better than the drama. Unfortunately, the logical brain isn’t in control right now, and most of the time when it comes to love my logical brain is no where to be found.

I am praying I find things to make me happy here in my shitty life. If not then I am heading back to despair which I won’t live with anymore.

Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have, Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman with my past.

– Lana Del Ray

F*ck … The War is Coming

Inner child therapy is fucking hard. It hurts a lot. It makes me see the pain much deeper than I thought was possible.

The wreck-less mess she made of me

I just realized today that my 15 year old self is a narcissistic, brat, who got traumatized so much she doesn’t know the difference between pleasure and pain. She has been in control more than the present me. I am 32 fucking years old and I have fallen down a lot to now allowing myself to lean on a bad time in my life when the hormonal and bitchy 15 year old was driving through like a freight train.

Not anymore. I’m kicking her ass and showing her who is in control now and how I will not give up control anymore. Time to sit down, the mama is coming out, the fighter is about to take you down to where you belong little girl. You’ve shown me yours and my own pain today, I’m grateful for that, but I will be damned if I keep letting you steal my joy.

Want to see the strength I have from being locked inside for so long? I am about to unleash the soldier.

Time for some boxing. Time to break open and fight, let my body, my fist, my legs fight it till the physical pain makes me stop hiding from her and eventually I will face her without disassociating.

In my mind she is 30 feet tall stepping on the joy, the love and the ability to heal myself.

Not anymore!

Fighting back finally

Triggers

Finding out what triggers a panic attack is helping me to control my panic attacks. I am finding that, even through the worst situations, I know what I need to avoid to find a peaceful mental health and balance in my life.

I chose to write about triggers today because I learned one of my triggers earlier this evening.  Triggers when you have panic disorder, as some of you might already know, are usually people, places, events or memories that cause you to lose control of a panic attack.  Its like an usual amount of stress that breaks free and causes you to lose control and forget all the things that you know about controlling a panic attack.  Despite the fact that I have been dealing with panic disorder for over ten years, I still don’t know all my triggers and sometimes I do know the triggers but I used to think I could learn to live with it.  For example, I knew coffee was a trigger and yet I continued to drink it, then one day I decided I would switch to decaf to see how I felt and I stopped having the early morning panic attacks that had become a familiar daily routine.  So today I found another trigger that I have known subconsciously was always a trigger but I ignored my gut feeling (I will get back to the gut thing in a bit).

I used to always be okay with confrontation, chaos, and drama when I was younger because generally I was the one causing it.  I would be the gossip, the a-hole, the person who was confronting or the confrontee and I was fine with it in my youth.  I would sometimes get a little uncomfortable, but generally speaking, I was that chic who just said, “screw it, come and get it if you dare.”  I am not proud of those moments, but I am who I am.  As soon as I gave birth to my first child, I started to dread confrontation.  I don’t want to fight with people or be in arguments or have to defend myself because now I am trying so hard to prove I am not that person anymore.  The problem is that people have a way of holding your checkered past against you.

Anyways, the back story is that there is this girl who started more drama with me today.  Before you begin to judge her, she is a young and very immature 23 year old. Since I have known her, we have either been best buds or worst enemies, there is never an in between with her.  As you can imagine, right now, we are worst enemies.

So long story short, in the past she has lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me, uninvited me to her wedding and demanded that my boyfriend be in attendance, talked badly about me, started rumors about other people talking badly about me, and attempted on numerous occasions to break up my boyfriend and I.  Despite how bad that all sounds, and believe me this is 100% not a joke, she has had a messed up life so I do often cut her some slack for that reason.

Well today, I saw a message in my “other” folder on Facebook and it was her.  I tried to respond to her message and she had blocked me.  I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he told me that I could message her on his account to check on her and make sure all was okay.  I messaged her being very nice and trying to make amends for our last fight.  The last fight was when she had given me her password to Facebook so I could get copies of messages with a girl who was harassing and cyber-bullying her.  While I was getting these messages I noticed a message she sent to her sister about me.  I decided to check it out, which I am aware is totally not cool but I let curiosity get the best of me.  As soon as I opened the message, I wished I hadn’t.

Here I was helping her out when I had a million other things to do while she was telling her sister and a mutual friend that I was forcing her to throw her baby shower at my house, demanding my child be present (though she wanted no kids at the shower), and that her sister needs to tell me to “shut up” because I was “freaking out” about her wanting to cancel her baby shower.  I was worried that she wouldn’t get everything she needed and didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t celebrate the babies coming birth, but “freaking out” is a serious exaggeration.  Also I would like to add that I spent time and money picking out gifts for her baby and felt very sad about not being able to give them to her.

For a long time, I didn’t say anything about the messages because I didn’t know how to say anything.  I was snooping, I was wrong for that, but I saw my name and felt like I should know if she was bad mouthing me and guess what, SHE WAS!  I was sitting here buying her baby all this stuff, helping her with a cyberbully, dealing with the investigator who was bought into the case to keep her from getting stressed out, and sitting on the phone with her while she was super upset about how much damage this girl was doing to her reputation.  All the while, she was saying all this crap about me to other people and lord only knows what other things she was saying about me. Not all of this was a trigger for me, but it was the beginning of a lot of drama to come. The first trigger was wondering and worrying about what other horrible things (true or not) that she was saying about me to the people that are mutual in our lives.

So after a while, I finally decided to confront her nicely about the messages because on that night she was bad mouthing her sister so badly, it began to make me uncomfortable. I usually stay out of it and let her vent but the things she was saying were horrible!  So I basically said, why do you talk crap about everyone including me, and sent her screenshots (again, not a fine moment of mine).  I said, jokingly, stop being a butthole and talking about everyone.  She started out saying (not sorry, not I didn’t mean it) but “Did my sister send that to you? How did you get that?”. Okay, even though I participated in being wrong here, and I own my blame in this situation 100%, I was like REALLY!! No sorries or I was having a bad day and didn’t mean it?  Fine, thank you for showing me why everyone is telling me to not get too close to you.  Thank you for showing me that no one, not even the one who has been there through thick and thin, means a damn thing to you.

So then she found a way to turn the conversation around and make it my fault that she wrote these comments and proceeded to say that those messages were private and you weren’t supposed to be snooping.  That is a super power not many people possess to be able to find a way to make someone else the bad guy when they are WRONG!  It is really interesting to me how someone can suddenly do something wrong and find a way to turn it around and make it your fault! To be fair, if she had said sorry for doing that but it is completely not okay for you to go through my private messages, fine I will apologize and we will move on, but sadly that wasn’t the case.  And that is yet another trigger for me.

I began to feel really uncomfortable and panicky, questioning if I was the only person to blame for this suddenly combative conversation. It took me a few days of feeling terrible, blaming myself, then I spoke to my boyfriend, my mother, and other various people about it.  Normally I try not to involve my boyfriend in every spat with people and it isn’t something that used to happen often to me when we first started dating, but he said, she was wrong, you called her on it and now she wants to try and make it your fault so she doesn’t have to be responsible for her actions.  I felt relief when he agreed but I still felt bad for my part.  I didn’t hate the girl, I felt like she was lost and lashing out on everyone because of the cyberbully debacle, so I just chose to give her space.  Oddly enough, even though I was not at all being threatening or mean in the conversation, she got so uncomfortable she told me to “please do not contact me again”.  For someone who was trying to make me the bad guy, she certainly succeeded in making herself look like the perfect victim.

After not speaking to her for a while, I got this message today from her, and she had blocked me so I couldn’t respond.  My boyfriend said go ahead and use my account to message her back, so I did, in an attempt to smooth over the past dramas because he is part of his family.  Of course when you combine a 30ish week pregnant woman with a very immature and, after what happened today, mean person the outcome is never good.  Instead of making amends, I had to yet again defend myself to messages about how she was right and I was wrong, that I was “petty”, and tried to say I had searched her messages for my name (which is 100% not true, calling me immature for looking (in fairness thats slightly true),  and blah blah blah, with a “please leave me alone” at the end.  I said whatever, I guess this is what it is and didn’t bother to message her back, because people like her say a bunch of B.S then block you so you have no chance to defend yourself. It’s a huge trigger for me when someone bashes my emotions then walks away like a jerk so that they don’t have to bother hearing what you have to say.  I normally don’t care unless it’s someone I felt close to at some point and I was super close with her.

After the conversation, she proceeded to call and text my boyfriend as soon as he got home, acting like she is tattling on me for using his account to contact her.  I would never, NEVER, log into my boyfriends account without his permission.  I am not snooping his stuff. I trust him and I would never deny him access to my Facebook or any other account, so we are pretty open about that stuff.  She thought that by telling him (mind you she is a family member of his) that he would attack me and start a shit show.  This girl loves to set off metaphorical “gossip” bombs and watch from a distance as things fall apart for her enemies.  I’m not her only victim, in fact she spent a lot of time trying to convince me to leave my boyfriend (her own blood), and he saw the many messages she sent trying to convince me he was narcissistic amongst other things.

The phone call and subsequent text messages to my boyfriend made me so angry and set off some strong panic attacks, and that’s when I decided I can’t have anything to do with her.  She is a toxic person who, in my experience, loves to hurt people.  I strongly believe she is incapable of love or even respect of others.  I have read a lot about mental health in preparation for this blog, as well as spoken to many psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists, and then read many articles about psychosis and borderline personality disorder which both come to mind when I think about her at all.  That is when I realized that I cannot be friendly with people who are this toxic anymore because it upsets me so much and triggers my panic attacks.  I don’t blame or hold people responsible for their issues, I feel sorry for them, but I cannot keep trying and trying and getting hurt in a merry-go-round of similar instances and blatant disrespect.

So that’s it, no more people like this in my life as I have come to realize that this is a huge trigger for me.  No more unstable, toxic, mean, and/or hurtful people.  People who can so easily cast a person who cares about them aside as if they aren’t important are the most insensitive people in the world.  It truly makes me wonder if they even notice how much pain they inflict, and if so, do they even care? I have far too many wonderful people in my life to let someone continuously hurt me.  I have learned, as of recently, that no matter who the person is, be it family, close friends or coworkers, if someone makes me feel like I can’t control my anxiety, stress or panic level, they probably shouldn’t be in my life.  Even if it was my own mother (which it isn’t), I would have to start putting my own mental health first and cut my communication with her for my own sanity.

When to Trust my Gut with Panic Disorder

As promised, the gut thing is an important part of my story as whole.  See I never trust my gut anymore because of panic disorder.  I always blame myself in every situation that is bad because I believe I am cursed because I have panic disorder.  I know it’s not rational thinking to feel that way, but panic disorder is centered around irrational thinking, primarily irrational fear.  So only recently, meaning the last two months, have I started to try to trust my gut again and to believe that sometimes I am capable of a healthy discomfort in a social or emotional situation.  I strongly dislike being vulnerable because of panic attacks.  I don’t like that I let people influence me to make poor choices, to feel discontent with myself and my relationship, and that it was easy for someone who enjoys toying with people to find a way to help me in destroying my self confidence.  This is a new goal for me, to avoid people who are going to make me question my gut feelings and aim for people who will treat me like a person and not a pawn in some evil, twisted game they decide to play on a whim. Maybe this newfound strength will help me on my journey to breaking free from panic disorder.