I Guess It’s Time… Letting Go.

Maybe it’s just me, but letting go has never been easy for me. In fact I feel abandoned, rejected and deep emotional pain when someone says to me, “you have to let go.” I feel like the option is worse than the thought of dying, but perhaps that why it is necessary.

Some of my friends tell me to be alone for a while, some of them tell me to enjoy myself and figure it out along the journey. It’s time for me to figure that out.

What do I want? And what’s the goals to getting what I want?

I dreamed for a long time of being an astronaut then I grew a fear of that concept when history class taught me about the space shuttle that exploded before take off. My new dream then became being a doctor. But with two kids and no time or money to spare, and a serious lack of interest in calculus, that seems like a lofty dream.

I guess I need to start dreaming again at 32. I need to write myself a new story with a new dream, new goals and new confidence.

Letting go of him, of the family I built and thought I would never lose, has been the worst pain I have experienced in a long time. I have to accept it and let the tears come when they do so I can believe in myself again. So I can wash away the pain and grow from here. Sadness scares me, loneliness sounds sad, and I never wanted either of those two emotions to become my own reality. I guess it just proves that I am capable of more than you ever imagined about myself! One day at a time.

Goals for now:

Goal number 1: I have to start driving! I have to do this so I can open all the doors I have closed in my life since I developed a fear of driving.

Goal number 2: become the best mom I could ever be! Give my boys all my love, affection and happiness. They are the priority, they are my only concern!

Goal number 3: quit smoking and begin transforming my health. No more junk, better eating habits, better fitness routines, better self love and a lot more balance in my life.

Goal number 4: more spirituality and more focus on being mentally healthy.

I think I owe it to myself to start this journey and begin to gain momentum with these goals so I can believe in myself again, instead of hiding from myself and the world. To begin, my first piece is to accept that my family is broken but it isn’t going to break me and my children. I hated the thought of being alone, being a single mom, but I am going to be okay if I focus on my true happiness and finding what’s next for myself.

It’s time….. ♥️🤷‍♀️😳😉😁

Author: Niki Maria

I love to be authentic to how I see the world with bipolar disorder, and I grow as a person everyday in my art and love of web development. I have a soft spot for special needs children and adults, and have a son with Autism Spectrum Disorder. My primary focus is to share my love of technology and healing to anyone who wants to learn more.

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