The Fear of Starting Over

So many times in my life, since being aware of the effect Bipolar Disorder has on me, I have been scared to chase my dreams. I get this surge to push on, knowing the voice in the back of my mind is speaking to me about how silly I will look when I try to push past the hidden nightmare in my mind.

I was diagnosed at 11, but up until I was 23, I wasn’t aware of how much bipolar disorder impacted my life. I had a cycle of behaviors that would start out promising then end up becoming the shadow of hell I never thought I would experience.

Today, I finished my school enrollment to begin my journey to finally attaining my degree. I had thought I would have already done this, but it didn’t work in my life until recently. I have had my hands full with two kids and one of them being autistic and needing a bunch of support.

My feelings have been a mixture of worry, excitement and anxiety that I will somehow mess this up. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what I want to do, and I am excited to embrace the future and allow myself to be excited. I will be studying Neuropsychology.

Rae’s Confession: The Book Almost Didn’t Happen?

“For many years, these worries ran the show. My team of inner critics ruled my life and kept me from writing this book for you.”

– Amber Rae “Choose Wonder Over Worry”

About “Confession: I Was Dying with my Gifts Still Inside”

Procrastination. The not-so-gentle nudge of the what-if’s. The thoughts of the world not accepting your words, therefore rejecting your biggest dream.

Does it sound familiar?

All these things that many of us experience everyday lay the ground work for this short chapter with Rae’s confession of how she almost didn’t create this life changing book.

This chapter really encouraged me because it showed me that someone with an incredibly huge gift for writing suffered from the same fears I have day after day as I try to aim for my dreams. No one is safe from the inner critic, but it isn’t about the critic, it’s about how you man handle the critic and push forward to be what you are meant to be regardless.

“The reason why rejection hurts..”

This chapter unlocks the fear of rejection that the author experienced because of being in her own way. This is a common fear of great people with great ideas.

As a child, my mom was constantly saying to me, “you don’t need approval from the world to be yourself,” or “stop sabotaging yourself before you have a chance to try.” My mom is a pusher. She never allowed me or my siblings to give up or stop trying to achieve our goals, because against all odds, she never stopped striving for her own. If you stated a goal to her, she pushed until you attained said goal.

As a kid, I hated when my mom did that. I actually thought it was super annoying and unhelpful. As an adult, she instilled this desire within me to meet my goals and be my own motivator in attaining them or evolving the goals.

When I became an unmovable ball of fear, suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, all her lessons felt lost inside my mind. I allowed myself to get in my own way. The worst part is that I didn’t notice I was doing this to myself. That is why this chapter brought me to a deeper understanding that even though I deeply needed this book, the author feared I wouldn’t think she was worthy being the authority of the words within it.

I’m glad she choose wonder, pushed past her anxiety, and created this book that changed my life in many wonderful ways.

If you haven’t had the chance to read it yet, I highly encourage you to check it out.

I think that books that focus on anxiety and panic miss the important things that are happening behind the anxiety and panic. “Choose Wonder Over Worry,” hits every scenario till you figure out where you are struggling and why. It doesn’t take a doctor to unlock the healing power within ourselves, it only takes a will within us to recognize our difficulties and remedy them.

Another interesting part of this chapter is when Rae brings up the topic of comparison. She mentions how her friends are creating their books and bringing them into the world while she is still stuck in a loop of personal criticism.

I’d watch with envy as friends brought their books into the world. I’d be happy for them, of course. And, my soul would ache watching someone else accomplishing a dream that’s still swirling around inside of me.

– Amber Rae “Choose Wonder Over Worry”

In my own life, I have always wondered how some people are able to do these incredibly cool things while I sit back and wish I could do it. I compare myself to them and suddenly I feel completely insecure about who I am versus who they are. When you truly break it down, you can compare all you want, but there is no comparison. We are all completely different, we all have 50 ways to say the same thing, but we are not always understood the same way.

For example, I used to do computer sales for a big office supply company. If one of my coworkers was working with a customer and the sale wasn’t going well, they would come find me or another coworker to help. This is because the whole point was to achieve the goal of a sale. There was no personal commissions, so the only important thing was to make sure the customer left with a computer and protection plan. Even though my coworkers all said the same thing, why is it that only one of us achieved the sale?

The simple answer is the way the information was presented. If sales person A didn’t have the tone of voice, the demeanor, or the right arrangement of words that catered to the customer, they weren’t going to buy.

It’s not a comparison, it’s the way it is! We might really like someone but they just don’t mesh well with our own comfort seeking needs. We might really enjoy talking to someone but perhaps we won’t buy from them because we don’t feel that the person is making a strong case. The main thing is that we all have a way of expression that works with some and not with others. Another great example is multi-level marketing, where some do amazing and others are lucky to make one sale.

Comparing won’t change the outcome. What you do is just a small part of the whole picture and this chapter really unlocks that within me.

Next chapter is “The Choice: Moving From Worry to Wonder.” Get the book and lets keep analyzing. 😁

Choosing Wonder

Choosing Wonder IS the easiest choice. Wonder expresses how much you value the feelings of anxiety and how badly you want to heal those feelings. Amber Rae offers some amazing advice in her authentic book, “Choose Wonder over Worry.”

I have read and continue to read this incredible book I found by chance called, “Choose Wonder Over Worry,” by Amber Rae. Let me say, I give this book 10 out of 5 stars because 5 just doesn’t seem like enough.

I have been through a lot in my life and I don’t remember experiencing noteworthy anxiety until I was in my early 20’s. Now, after years of suffering, reading blogs, forums, medical journals, books, anything that would help me understand and overcome this intense fear I had inside, I found this book.

This book was the first thing that truly resonated with me and it’s taken me so long to write this blog because I couldn’t think of the right words to express to everyone of how invaluable this book became in my healing journey.

If you haven’t read the book, click here to buy it. Truly the author, Amber Rae, speaks from experience.

While I read this book, I have become obsessed with highlighting the best parts. When I finished reading, I had highlighted nearly the whole book. Every chapter fulfills the lessons I need in order to be the best me and offer my best self everyday to everyone.

She adds journal posts to the end of almost every chapter called, “Journal Into Wonder.” I am going to write posts journaling my entries so I can find my awesome fellow “wonder writers” who want to share in this healing journey together.

The First Journal Entry

Again, grab the book here if you want to join in this fun series!

“The answers are already within you. You’ll find journal prompts throughout the book to connect you with your inner knowing and voice of truth. Begin with this inquiry:”

What is your relationship like with Worry? With Wonder?

– Amber Rae “Wonder Over Worry”

My Relationship with Worry

I connected with Worry when I was in my early 20’s right after my son was born. I had always had a little cautious voice inside telling me to be careful, make smart choices, and I was not great at listening to it. The worrying really began when I was responsible for another human life with the birth of my first child.

Suddenly the world was more dangerous, the emotional roller coasters were more harmful, and I was all around terrified about how all this would affect the wellbeing of this tiny human that was entrusted to me. I started having anxiety attacks when he was about 6 months old, and soon after, I developed panic attacks and phobias of driving and being alone. My relationship with Worry became a 10+ year quest to balancing my internal fear with the reality and faith of being alive.

My Relationship with Wonder

Wonder was never easy for me to comprehend, even though I have a naturally curious personality. I considered myself to be a logistical person, everything had to make sense in a realistic way.

The concept of wonder is fairly new to me still. Prior to reading this book, I would allow myself to get anxious when I was feeling anxious. Now, I think about the meaning behind the anxiety and try to be patient with myself throughout the observation and consideration of what is going on to cause the anxiety.

I would say wonder has opened my mind to exploring what hides beneath the anxiety, the fear, the phobias to discover how to heal myself.

I encourage you again to grab this book and get involved in this impromptu conversation digging into Wonder and Worry. If you are suffering from Panic attacks or anxiety attacks, I know you will appreciate the work of Amber Rae.

I suspect you’re reading this because there are aspects of yourself that you want to discover and express. I wrote this book to coax that out of you. To show what’s possible when wonder leads the way.

“Choose Wonder Over Worry” by Amber Rae

Becoming my own Best Friend!

I found this quote on Facebook and felt that it was worthy of sharing.

Learn to be your own best friend, because there’s going to be days when no-one is going to be there for you but yourself!!!

Though I made it through the worst of my most recent storm, I still have to remember to care for myself wholeheartedly because bipolar disorder doesn’t have a known cure. One of the main reasons I lose my balance in life is because I constantly become dependent on people to be there or create my happiness, thinking I know them well enough to trust they will. When they leave for any reason, I find myself shocked and disappointed and blaming myself for the whole situation.

The abuse of blaming one’s self for someone else’s poor choices is a form of self abuse that I am starting to realize is within my own control to begin healing. I never would have been abusing myself had I realized I was taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings. Their feelings may be in correlation to my actions, but it if I can’t see their side of a situation, I am better off walking away.

Truly, and sincerely, this quotes advice is one I myself need to work on being better at. Self care is my top priority these days because a lot of people have come and gone in my life over the years. Some departures were for the best, some for reasons beyond my control, and even some that were my own doing. I have had to remind myself that people leaving isn’t part of the bipolar thing, that’s part of a flaw in social skills and coping skills. It may even be a consequence of realizing that you don’t mesh with everyone.

Finding love for myself these past few months has taught me that I am worthy of being loved in a healthy way, but also it has reminded me of how to keep my needs for the right type of love I believe I deserve in my view at all times. I also remind myself on the lonely days that something great is coming and I need to be patient while it makes its way to me. I usually try to rush things in hopes that my misguided hopeless romantic side will be trustworthy. Clearly that hasn’t ever worked for me.

There is no rush on great things, especially because what isn’t meant for me is not for me to keep, and I’m just trying to be okay with the timing happening without my controlling it anymore.

I learned the life lesson that life is messy for everyone, and even thought it appears messier with bipolar, truthfully, I have many friends and family members who do not have bipolar but go through similar stuff and struggle to figure it out.

Bipolar disorder is just a condition of the lack of control over our thinking processes, intense empathy for others and little for ourselves, and the ability to be kicked down emotionally with very little force. The funny thing is, you can change all of these inconvenient traits of bipolar if you want to (and I am seeing that now in my own life), and you can learn to love and value yourself enough to not “need” anyone to make it better.

Bipolar disorder doesn’t mean I am mentally unhealthy. Furthermore, I don’t have to follow the old patterns I think might work better this time (which is the exact definition of insanity), but rather I can try a new way and go against my knee jerk response. Being bipolar is one piece of the total puzzle, because if you find a way to be brave and to be courageous in solving your own issues before saddling someone else with them, no one will ever think you have bipolar.

So if you love to paint, sing, make ice cream, bake cookies, create crafts, or whatever you love to do, do it and take note on how you are able to be there for yourself. This is called being your own best friend…

And it’s a beautiful thing!

Have a blessed day friends.

I’m Thankful for…

Today is a holiday I used to believe to be a waste of time. I used to say selfish things like:

What do I have to be thankful for living with bipolar disorder?

Or

Should I be thankful I didn’t commit suicide this year?

It used to be an unhealthy day for me, one where I couldn’t see the people, places or things in my life that were worth being thankful for. Rather, I saw only the bleak light of surviving another year.

Truth bomb right here!

This year, I felt as though the holidays were going to destroy me. With the break up of my 5 year relationship, the 2 suicide attempts, the messy career moves I made that nearly put me over the edge, and the horrible people I allowed into my life under false pretenses, I was uncertain that I would be thankful for anything again this year.

Fortunately, I am.

I am thankful for bipolar disorder and my ability to be more open about my life with bipolar.

There are moments when being myself feels impossible but impossible means I’m possible!

I am thankful for my children and my family who have had my back through the darkest of times.

My reason for being alive comes from the children I created. Born out of love and loved through and through.

I am thankful for my beauty, and my heart that is always full because of family and friends.

When I asked myself, “when did I feel most alive?” My answer was, “when I smiled casually for myself and no one else.”

I am thankful for my will power to survive the darkness even when I thought it would eat me alive or I wouldn’t survive the emotional pain.

I named this graphic “The pieces of my broken heart 💔 “

I am thankful for Bali and all the amazing people that brought healing, love and kindness into my life without expecting anything more than honesty from me.

My adventurous Brother from another mother Jim!

And my brother from another mother Dan, the bloody Englishman who loves to complain in a funny way, but he is an awesome friend!

Finding a family on the other side of the world was a blessing I could never thank the Lord enough for. Thank you to my friends and chosen family in Bali.

My home is on a stage with the ones I love surrounding me. My heart is where I feel alive and loved and blessed.

I am thankful for my breakup from a toxic relationship that brought the worst out of two good people. The change was hard to accept but I am beginning to realize that he was a part of my journey to healing myself and he will always be in my life because of our child.

He had my heart, but then my heart decided that love wasn’t enough. He gave me my sweet little boy, but he also gave me a lot of pain. Thankful for him but definitely thankful for the lessons he taught me. He will find his happiness and I will find mine. ♥️

I am thankful for the difficult lessons I learned in life and in my career, the exciting opportunities I have barely tapped into, and even the frustration with websites that have had issues or were more work than I realized.

My time in Los Vegas at the Reign Beauty Conference for MaskCara Beauty. Check out my website nikimaria.maskcarabeauty.com

I am thankful that the truth always wins and that eventually the harsh truth, whether we like it or not, can save us from making mistakes or not learning from our mistakes.

The truth will always win my friends. Trust until you have a reason not to!

I am thankful for the home I live in and the amazing neighbors and friends I have been blessed with.

Remember to always take the positive with the negative and make something great. #sortasweetsortasavage

I am thankful for the food I am able to buy and the bills I am able to pay.

I am thankful for my Lord for protecting me through the dark times, even when I didn’t think He was there.

I am thankful for myself. For the strength I earned through picking myself up from every disaster and finding new reasons to be balanced.

Rocking the sick look to remind myself that I am still beautiful and worthy of love!

Lastly, I am thankful for my three close friends that all make me feel loved and cared for regardless of my choices or mistakes.

The loving motherly friend who always checks in on me. My Heather! ♥️

The super sweet, super loving Mallori who has my back ride or die style! ♥️

My Andrea who turns the negatives into positives and always shows me how much she cares! ♥️

Lastly, I am thankful for my parents who always worked hard to care for me and give me every opportunity, and every experience I needed, to be the best version of myself. They also combined all their best qualities in creating me.

Mom and dad

There are always things to be thankful for, and I guess this year, rather than believing that my “issues” are not worthy of being thankful for, I choose to be grateful and thankful for them. After all, I wouldn’t be me without them.

This Instagram profile is awesome! Follow @2minds_allign

While this has been a tough year to go through, I struggled a lot and I felt a lot of loss, I realized that today I have more reasons to be thankful than ungrateful. I always have in fact, and it took some reminding to myself that I am stronger and braver than I ever believed.

Being brave was the hardest thing I ever had to do!

I can and did overcome the hard times and learned from those hard times, that I can walk away even if it hurts, I can say goodbye without coming undone completely, and I can live with bipolar disorder without medication because I will not let my brains chemical imbalance live my life for me. I feel blessed to have found my balance during the hardest of hard times, that I have found strength when I wanted to be weak, that I found hope when a situations seemed hopeless, and that I found joy when I felt joyless.

Embrace your beauty and know you are loved by someone or many!

I can only hope that at this time of year, when giving thanks is the theme of the season, that you all will find your reasons why being alive, and being grateful as well as thankful are the true healing sources of living a life with a brain disorder or mental illness. The goal is to create the life worth living by pushing yourself past what you may think is holding you back, and finding joy on the other side of the heartache and suffering.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May you find one or many reasons to be thankful for the little or big blessings in your life. I encourage you to embrace your journey today and to find new meanings for the dark or less favorable realities of your life.

This picture I took when I was sinking inside myself, lost in a loveless relationship, feeling manic and not sleeping or eating well. I was sick, scared, taking substances to cope and not facing my demons. I was lost and not trying to be found. Circa 2016

Even if you feel that getting out of bed seems impossible, you will get through the storm with determination and patience if you believe, have faith, be kind, and let go of the things that are done.

Xoxo 💋 Niki

Been Dealing with My Sh*t ….

I took a pause from blogging to handle some of my own shit. I was blogging, but I didn’t post them.

I have such an intense collection of unposted blogs that I might start selling them. The reason for this is because if you really want to understand living with bipolar disorder, unmedicated, I write almost everyday, especially when every emotion is spiraling and screaming in my head.

It took me years and years, and still I struggle, to keep my emotional outlet to a minimum so as not to embarrass myself. If you are interested in reading my private posts I will open an anonymous form at some point or you can email me at thepanicspot@gmail.com so I know who would be interested and why. It will be password protected and available for only a short time with no downloads.

Anyways … on to Love, Sex and all things Scandalous

I met someone that I truly like, and I didn’t think I would like someone again after the bullshit in my last toxic relationship. Nothing has happened yet but I’m truly excited to get to those parts since there is a good connection and a stable friendship building.

He already knows I am capable of being a handful, has seen my worst habits, my worst look, and he hasn’t run so I think as long as there continues to be chemistry, my posts will be very cutesy. Also, I needed a strong man, so let’s see how strong this man is, because I am a fiercely independent woman. Yes I am sexy and kind, but I have seen and felt shit that most wouldn’t understand or be comfortable with.

Oh well, I like the idea of a good guy better than my last few months of fuck off posts and depressing emotional hell, with a sprinkle of greatness in Bali.

I do have a lot of hesitations about allowing myself to feel again. I am scared to death of being hurt again, especially after being lied to for so many years. I have had moments of absolutely hating myself through my turbulent breakup from an alcoholic in denial. It’s funny how fast a person will blame you for everything when they know what they did was far worse.

I also started singing again to calm my stress. It’s funny how singing can cool my temperament when I’m angry, which I have been at my ex for a long time. I was angry at him before we even broke up for all the hell he put us through, and I’m not saying I was an angel, but I was trying harder than he even was capable of comprehending and for that I will never respect his sorry ass again.

Lately, I have been having the most intense sex dreams. Similar to the one I had in Bali, during a deep meditation. I remember coming back to consciousness and feeling exhausted from the intensity of it. And my dreams are far more intense and soulful than the meditation. Oddly, I haven’t even been thinking about having sex or anything, it’s like my subconscious is taking care of that for me while I settle my life and figure things out. I have this seductive side of myself that is tamed right now, because I am a one man woman. I don’t want to waste my sexual energies on just anyone.

My “truest self” meditation revealed me standing strong for my children, feeling alive for them. I was beautiful, strong and fierce and I felt connected to myself and everyone around me. I have noticed I am becoming that woman right now, but it’s subtle and slow moving, however, it’s a beautiful and amazing feeling to see my journey turning in that direction.

I miss Bali so much! But I have brought back all my teachings and I know I have been neglecting them. I need to make sure that I am taking the time to do the things I need to do in order to maintain my peace and contentment.

I have also reconnected with a friend who meant so much to me. We reconnected a long time ago, but we have been getting really close as of this year. It’s been a great feeling to have her back in my life. Some friends are good for me, and she is one of them.

Sorry again for the quiet spell, I will catch up as much as I can.

Xo

It Hurts So Good …

Today, I had a hunch. Something has been off lately with my ex. In fact I kept avoiding the inevitable because I thought I would be devastated if I knew the truth.

It felt like my intuition was trying to tell me something. It was a question I knew the answer to but I didn’t want confirmation yet, especially when I was hurting so much before. Now I’m glad to have the truth, which he fucking sucks at to begin with and probably didn’t give me the full truth.

My ex has been talking to other girls. “But not dating, sleeping with anyone or anything super serious!” As he says. 😁

Right 👌 well not my circus not my monkeys anymore! 😁

Truth is, we both have been moving on in small ways, but I couldn’t let go, so the decent guys I met I pretty much denied out of loyalty to my ex and our history. All while he was actually looking for another one to take care of him. See I can detach from the people I talk to, he is the type to build a strong intellectual bond first, make them fall for him, then take what he wants and eventually leave them heart broken and scratching their heads. I wasn’t special, I know that now, and I am good because he will never forget me. Just kind of wishing I realized what a hoe he is sooner but oh well. I have G because of that loser, and G is the cutest little guy. Eventually, we will be friends, but not until the red hot flames of disgust go away.

Here’s what happened. While sitting on the 32 hour plane ride home, I decided it was time to confirm what I already knew.

“I have a question?” I asked.

Then I asked him if he was talking to other girls. I know totally not worth the grief for most. For me, I needed to know so I wasn’t making up the story in my head. I already knew he was because that man is not as badass as he portrays himself to be. He needs someone to take care of him. He doesn’t want to be in love, he wants to be worshipped, and have someone be his mommy figure. He isn’t a super awesome catch and I realized I may have never actually loved him, because this should have hurt a ton more than it did, but it just didn’t.

As much as I truly hope he gets it this time with some stupid girl who believes he’s redeemable, he won’t because even the most effed up girls can only take that shit for so long. I did 5 1/2 years of that nonsense and honestly I feel like a Warrior Princess, I am kind or relieved to be moving forward finally. His whole life is surrounded by unhealthy coping skills and messy connections.

At first I felt like telling him off and crying (the shock was a bit hard to swallow), now I feel like I can breath for the first time in a long time. I don’t want it anymore. Especially once it’s been tampered with, I’m done! I will never trust him again so I now know what I have got to do. Besides he was honest but probably not completely truthful, I know I wouldn’t be if I was him. I have a tendency to be crazy. (Sorry not sorry, I love hard).

Anyways, I decided that my focus is going to be on my career and my kids. I will find what I need in a king when the time is right. I don’t want to rush and end up in a dog-shit relationship again with a guy who can make me feel special for a while then leave me broken when he decides to fuck with my money, my children, my family, me and my heart. Ugh no thank you. I just had to pull myself back up and this time I am keeping it together for good. Not just for me, but for my kids and all the people I am going to help with what I learned in Bali and what I believe I can and will do.

Let me share one thing I learned with y’all, never ever ever disrespect yourself by being with someone, or giving someone your heart, who can’t ever give a crap about you. When I say can’t, I mean my ex wasn’t capable of actually love. He can’t love anyone besides himself because it’s all he knows and he won’t fix it.

I have never felt so many negative vibes and so much disrespect in my life as I did from him. I actually told myself I would be open to being with him again if we could make it work after Bali, then I learned he had been talking to other girls, and I said to myself, “thank God! I am so grateful he was honest but I feel like I just shed 500lbs of emotional baggage and bullshit.”

Eventually I will let the dating posts begin!! I haven’t really done that in long time, I don’t know how funny or messy it’ll be yet. I’m sure this’ll be a fun journey when the time is right, but first, career and stabilizing my kids lives.

My priorities are my love for myself and my children so I never get ripped apart by another bag of shit again. This is a commitment to being truly happy and alive the way I deserve after being used. Finding myself and believing in me again was step one, now step two is getting into a routine. Fuck, it’s gonna be nice to love myself all the time! Plus nothing matters more my friends.

😉🙏♥️

Self Love Time! Xo Niki

Loved & Loving

Today, I did a reiki session. I have to say, reiki is a new favorite for me because it truly opened my eyes. Let me tell you what happened.

At first I was kissing a man. I didn’t understand who he was, why he was there or whether I knew him or not. He was just there with me, holding me with his love. After he kissed me, I laid down on his legs, the room was dark, his energy was bright and beautiful in the room but i couldn’t see him.

After I blinked, I was talking to what I believe to be my Lord. I can’t remember everything he said, but I got a message from Him. The message was in response to a question I had in my heart about this experience. I couldn’t see Him, I don’t know what I was seeing actually, I just heard His words. I also don’t remember anything else He said to me, except this.

Is what Anissa doing actually going to work for me?

I asked Him. He responded,

She believes, so it will.

The moment he said it, the image changed and I was seeing flashes in green fields. Little dancing lights here and there, like old memories being reborn with new life. Then the dancing lights and green fields turned into black bird looking figures that came closer and closer and then turned bright white. There were about 8 to 10 of these and I felt myself leaving my body and coming back. It was an odd sensation and after waking Anissa told me I had twitched a lot.

Then I was back to being kissed by the man who loved me. I couldn’t see him, I just felt the love he had for me was so strong it was like he was a part of me. I felt so drawn to him. He was my destiny, my truest love. I don’t know who he is, or if I have met him yet, but he was there giving me what I had been longing for.

I have always had trouble with love because I had such a great example of what love should be from my parents, but I missed the most important part of what love actually is.

Love takes work.

I forgot that love takes work! The most important work we do on our journey to connection with intimacy in another person.

My parents made it look easy because they were so in love. They were strong for each other and accepted each other’s short comings. But that wasn’t always as easy as I thought it was or what I was sure I was seeing. They had moments, even if I didn’t see them, that they had to fight and struggle and work hard to find balance. Balance isn’t naturally won, it takes work!

You know how every time we struggle personally, we come back stronger with new knowledge? In a way, pain helps us to feel more capable of standing up because we suffered and survived. Well every time a relationship struggles, if two people hold on tight, they come back stronger together with new knowledge and they get closer and stronger together. I want to have that with someone someday.

I will wait till the universe provides that person for me. The man who will hold me the way I am meant to be held, never stop me from being happy and doing what I feel is right, the man that will give me hope in my heart, the man that will bring me strength when I am unable to find it within myself, and the man who will love me through my storms and my sunshine. My best friend is out there, I know that now. No more giving up on love when it gets hard, I will fall in love with the right one someday and I will remember that it will be hard, but worth it. ♥️

Have Faith in the Bigger Plan

Sometimes I find myself getting so caught up in the details.

At home, I work myself up when things don’t go at least somewhat as they should or how I envisioned in my mind. This is because I set an expectation. The root of all negative things for me stems from freaking expectations!

Today, I had a schedule to have a surf lesson. I was overtired and a little burnt out from the sun after my weekend getaway in Amed this past weekend. I felt like my outward energy was repelling the idea of surfing this morning. I mean I want to do it, but not today, is all I could think about.

All the stars aligned, however, because I accepted that whatever was meant to be, is what will be! I gave my energy to the universe and something happened. It was as if that second I let go of my feelings about whether the activity happened or not the bigger plan determined the course of the morning.

Rather than surfing, which I wasn’t ready to do today, I enjoyed a calming and enlightening yoga experience instead. This was exactly what my body was craving today. It was refreshing and the perfect way to get my new healing week under way.

The funny thing about all of it, is that I didn’t once feel irritated or disappointed that the day wasn’t perfect to plan. In fact, I realized that having faith in the bigger plan was more exhilarating and required less energy. I have come to believe that having a mental illness requires routine to some degree, but the routine has to feel right to me in my current state. That’s the part I keep pushing away, the reminder that routine is nice, but that I am more flexible than a strict schedule with diligent rules.

This go with the flow feeling has been so helpful for me in my healing journey. There are moments that I can sense my fear, my sadness about things at home, but then I remind myself that I can only control my reactions to the world around me. Life is supposed to be unpredictable and even messy at times. It’s up to me to find order for myself in the chaos. I am trying to honor that thoroughly.

This journey is meant to be how it is going. If I take a handful of cut paper and throw them on the floor, they will create an arrangement. The arrangement will never be the same if I try to do it again. I will choose to remember that everything that happens, will only ever happen this way once. That is why I must appreciate the experience because it will change even if all the factors are the same. ♥️🙏

My Healing Journey was Meant to be Shared: Week One of Being Reborn

Welcome to my healing journey. You are welcome to be here, you are invited, you are welcome to share your thoughts without my judgement. You are welcome to say or do whatever feels right to you without fear of hurting me. I love you and I want you here. I want you to share with me how I can support you as well as both honor and value the relationship between us.

xo

Sincerely,

the true Nicole

Thank you for coming here to read about my healing journey. By you being here, you are an ally in my healing journey. As part of my journey I wish to see myself being alive, being loved, being wrapped and emerged in joy and truth (good or bad), being truly in love with myself for the remainder of my life, and allowing others to feel their own feelings while braving the opinions of others even if they are critical.

By doing the work to love myself, I can see my value, my self worth, and to stand firm in my power and strength without being scared of it or wondering and hoping not to get swept up by what others think of me. This journey is one I wish to share, not because I’m asking for help, but to accept that life outside of healing is still there, and I love all of you enough (whomever you are and wherever you are) to want to share.  I want to offer my apologies where they are needed and offer forgiveness where it is meant to be given.

Your words matter to me even if you aren’t sure they will help me on this journey, but perhaps they will help me in my future or I may never fully hear them and that is okay too. Speak your truth friends and stand in your own power with me, listen to your authentic self speak inside you and allow it to come out if it feels right.

Here’s my healing path explained

I believe in this life, we all heal our wounds differently. I used to think that healing meant not being allowed to look in on or at how the people I love are doing or what they might be saying about me. To not know about anyone or anything, to focus entirely on myself and escape the real world until I returned with new wisdom, is a temporary solution for me.

While I don’t judge anyone that feels that this method works for best them.  I am working on being aware of when my advice is mindful and accepting or controlling and judge mental.

A journey that is started is meant to have its peaks and valleys. Try as I might, I will only heal when I am meant to and not a moment sooner.

Through my open healing, I want to experience a true, a full and an enlightened healing that stays with me for many years to come. I strongly disagree that those who choose to heal out loud are codependent or seeking attention.  Sometimes, I just find it easier to hear the perspectives as others, and being able to draw inspiration and comfort when the world gets overwhelming. I believe that there is nothing wrong with being connected to those around you as long as you can hear your inner voice speaking louder than the voices of others and always do what is best for you from the inside out.

My Spiritual Realization with My Higher Power

My Lord Jesus, who I believe created me (and mind you I don’t expect anyone to have the same belief as I do and I will never judge you for your beliefs), wanted me to be a beacon of connection to life through love and joy. He created me to start fires when they were necessary to provide me growth and to have the power to put the fire out in the timing He planned for me. He didn’t leave me alone with or in the fire, He never let me burn alive, He always made sure that there were many escape plans for me to use should I need them, and He never let me set fires that He knew I couldn’t handle. He believes in me, because He knows who I am more than anyone else. He knows that He built me to be capable of chaos with purpose, but also capable of deep, unconditional love for my neighbors and the creatures He created to roam this Earth. Furthermore, and to finish this thought, He never left me alone in the fire and always made sure that I got what I needed from it before I walked away.

He always stood with me, guiding me like only a devoted Father can. So to my Lord I say, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for revealing your love and purpose for me in the life you have blessed me with. For continuing to love me through my stubbornness, doubts and insecurities. I may not have understood your reasons for presenting me with my past and present hardships, I may have cursed at you at times for the pain I have been in, gotten angry with you Lord and even believed you weren’t there because the pain I was experiencing felt desolate and deeper than the human world could go, but you were sharing your light, knowing that I was meant to be a healer, a loving source of energy, and that the journey to finding that truth would be the most incredible experience of my life. 🙏

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My Theory about my Strength and Power and Why Bali was Where I went to Find my Purpose and Kick Start my Healing

When I arrived at the Be Kind Retreats here in beautiful Bali, the incredibly strong and wonderful Loes said something in the opening ceremony that will forever stay with me. She said:

If you ask for it, Bali always gives you what you want and need.

She was so unbelievably right and maybe she doesn’t know it, but she will be with me forever because she said that. I believe the moment those words left her mouth, she unlocked my deepest healing power within myself. She showed me my true strength and my truest healing purpose. It wasn’t what I expected at all and at first that scared me. Now I am so exhilarated to finish this journey, after absorbing the power it’s providing, and be embraced by my truest self. For the story of my truest self, I will write a separate blog because what I saw when I met my true self, has me so beyond encouraged to be her.

My theory about why I came on this healing journey was because I felt that I was being consumed by pain and distrust from within myself. I was drowning and no one was able to save me. Now I know it wasn’t someone’s job to save me, it was my own job that I was neglecting because it appeared too hard. The truth is that the healing journey was meant for me to meet my power and strength and to understand the purpose of these incredibly large forces that were bestowed upon me and earned by me through my suffering.

eyes shut seuess

See the way (I learned here in Bali) is that my power and strength works for healing myself by healing those around me and experiencing the good and bad connections of life while healing myself. I want to be surrounded with good vibes, love, and to bring my people along on this journey to be a part of the steps I take to meet my true self.

My enlightenment comes for and from those I love regardless of how some might disagree with that belief or believe that is codependency causing this. Truly, I believe codependency is a symptom of not understanding the true forces of exchanging love and power. That is something I am working on doing honestly and with intention too. Furthermore, I don’t ask for opinions so people make my choices for me, I ask for opinions so I can gather perspective as I make big decisions. If you ask my mother, bless her patient heart, I will likely not take your advice because I am going to inevitably do it the way that feels right for me, whether it is right or wrong to anyone else.

jim and i
Fresh Fruit Smoothies in Ubud with Jim and Lee.  Perfect way to show myself love after a tough trek down to the holy water.