The Fear of Starting Over

So many times in my life, since being aware of the effect Bipolar Disorder has on me, I have been scared to chase my dreams. I get this surge to push on, knowing the voice in the back of my mind is speaking to me about how silly I will look when I try to push past the hidden nightmare in my mind.

I was diagnosed at 11, but up until I was 23, I wasn’t aware of how much bipolar disorder impacted my life. I had a cycle of behaviors that would start out promising then end up becoming the shadow of hell I never thought I would experience.

Today, I finished my school enrollment to begin my journey to finally attaining my degree. I had thought I would have already done this, but it didn’t work in my life until recently. I have had my hands full with two kids and one of them being autistic and needing a bunch of support.

My feelings have been a mixture of worry, excitement and anxiety that I will somehow mess this up. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what I want to do, and I am excited to embrace the future and allow myself to be excited. I will be studying Neuropsychology.

It Takes me Under Fast…

Some part of me is losing control. The balance is off so badly that I don’t know what to feel.

I feel insecurity. I feel distant. I feel messy. I feel chaotic.

Why?

This is so out of left field, it’s so frustrating!

I know bipolar is not curable. I know I have to learn to deal with that fact, but there are times when I want to run away and never look back. Today is one of those days.

My anxiety is overwhelming, I want to cry and I want to scream in frustration. I want to be angry with my Lord, and the people around me who are thriving while I’m barely maintaining.

No one fully understands the feeling of being tossed and turned on mister toads wild ride like a bipolar patient. It’s miserable to be so completely fucked in the head. You don’t know when the silent threat will strike or if you are even prepared to fight for your life in an exhausting battle against a part of yourself you don’t know.

People go from loving you to thinking your crazy. People go from looking up to you, to wondering how they could have ever thought you knew shit about shit. That is demoralizing and painfully fucking depressing. You can be educated and know what you’re saying is true, but you’re crazy so they don’t hear you anymore.

I watched a good friend fall victim to this condition just the other night. Watching her cry in frustration for the life we are stuck living, is a sad reminder of the waves of hell coming back and devastating the forward progress I have earned.

Brain disorders, which now includes bipolar disorder, affects the brain. Some doctors say:

Medication is the only way to live a normal life.

Others in the field say:

It’s going to take a lot of work. It will never stop being work, but if you do the work, you have a chance at a normal life and a more balanced life.

What about the moments when you stare at yourself in the mirror and think:

Is it worth it? Am I worth all this pain? And how much pain can I take before I end the pain?

Sometimes, I contemplate what true peace is. Like what is it like for someone who doesn’t have bipolar? Are they able to be happy for healthy reasons? Are they more secure in knowing who and what they are? Do they know what it feels like to be lost in their minds pleading with the Lord to help them find strength to survive another demonic attack from within?

I’m exhausted when the depression hits. I feel depleted and lost when the waves of bipolar depression start ripping my mind into shreds and I’m begging for mercy to no end.

To me, it feels like a my brain senses a bad cell that is misfiring and passively bumping into the healthy parts of my brain causing chaos and mayhem. It’s like playing hot potato until the bad cell decides to die off and leave the healthy parts alone. Before it dies, it temporarily kills my joy, my energy, my personality, my stable mood, my beliefs, my values, and all the other things that make me who I am. It’s like watching a horror film where the killer is inside you looking for a chance to attack you when you’re vulnerable and happy.

I love the life I have now, but I feel like I know it won’t last. I know this because I am incapable (despite my truly powerful efforts) to stay balanced with my illness. This illness will be always be my till death do us part unwanted partner. If I neglect it, I suffer. If I focus on it, I suffer. If I beg for help, I suffer. If I fight for my life, I suffer.

Why does this have to happen to me? To all of us suffering (some in silence, some out loud)? Why can’t someone care enough to find a treatment that works all the time? Why can’t I experience joy and happiness without wondering when it will end and I will be lost in the abyss? Someone, Please tell me why I feel the urge to give up? And why tomorrow I can’t sleep for weeks or talk without speaking too fast that I seem neurotic? Someone please tell me why I sometimes can’t feel a thing? And other times I can’t stop feeling all things (good or bad)?

Remember that I am fighting a threat you can’t see or hear, but it is a living hell for me and I’m fighting to remind myself everyday that I am worthy of goodness. I fight every single fucking day till I’m bleeding and begging for a break that never comes. Remember that I survived before but it only gets harder until it ends.

If you care about me, remember that I am partially broken, but my heart is good, my intentions are pure, my shortness or nastiness isn’t from me, it’s from my careful care of my debilitating illness that affects my brain. I suffer and struggle to hold it together but I will not give up if I keep fighting with my whole heart and soul, and sometimes I might look lost and in need of support. Just remember that you don’t have to be stuck in my hell with me, I wouldn’t be here if I had a choice, and I would never want anyone to feel struck by my hell.

Just choose where you want to be and don’t love me at all if you can’t love the parts of me that are broken, because they will never be perfect and I will never be able to apologize for all the pain I can inflict on myself and unintentionally on those that love me.

I’m sorry if you love me, I know I’m hard to love. 😢

The Emotionally Charged

There is a point in time when I realized being bipolar is also another way of saying I am emotionally charged.

What is Emotionally charged to me? Basically, I feel the ups and the downs of life. Everyday we all face stuff, and I often allow the stuff to change my demeanor, my attitude, and my happiness. Thus, I slip into an episode.

While I call it emotionally charged, awareness of the emotional connections between the good and the bad “stuff” in life, the psychiatrist will argue that I have bipolar disorder.

Here’s the thing, I don’t believe that numbing my emotions, crippling my ability to think freely, or draining myself of my energy is worth the risk while taking medication. This is why I elect not to treat my emotionally charged self with medications, but rather I face the “stuff” and try to control my own reactions.

What “Stuff” am I referring to?

Right now in my life, there is “good” and “not so good” stuff. The good “stuff” is that I met someone who makes me smile from cheek to cheek. Someone solid and stable and wonderful.

The bad “stuff”, that keeps bribing me back to a shitty place, is the drama of “so-called” friends and baby daddies.

While I am overjoyed at the amazing man I am getting to know, my ex is becoming someone I literally don’t want to know and the other ex is finally less of a bother to me. It’s become so messy though. It’s emotionally charged!

Sometimes I wonder to myself, “what is the right thing to do,” but I almost never have to wonder to myself, “is there actually anything I can do?” Because most of the time there is always something I can do. Especially where my kids are concerned.

I am hoping I can say some prayers and find some clarity. Being content is the only thing I want for my kids and I right now. Especially after all that has happened.

Becoming my own Best Friend!

I found this quote on Facebook and felt that it was worthy of sharing.

Learn to be your own best friend, because there’s going to be days when no-one is going to be there for you but yourself!!!

Though I made it through the worst of my most recent storm, I still have to remember to care for myself wholeheartedly because bipolar disorder doesn’t have a known cure. One of the main reasons I lose my balance in life is because I constantly become dependent on people to be there or create my happiness, thinking I know them well enough to trust they will. When they leave for any reason, I find myself shocked and disappointed and blaming myself for the whole situation.

The abuse of blaming one’s self for someone else’s poor choices is a form of self abuse that I am starting to realize is within my own control to begin healing. I never would have been abusing myself had I realized I was taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings. Their feelings may be in correlation to my actions, but it if I can’t see their side of a situation, I am better off walking away.

Truly, and sincerely, this quotes advice is one I myself need to work on being better at. Self care is my top priority these days because a lot of people have come and gone in my life over the years. Some departures were for the best, some for reasons beyond my control, and even some that were my own doing. I have had to remind myself that people leaving isn’t part of the bipolar thing, that’s part of a flaw in social skills and coping skills. It may even be a consequence of realizing that you don’t mesh with everyone.

Finding love for myself these past few months has taught me that I am worthy of being loved in a healthy way, but also it has reminded me of how to keep my needs for the right type of love I believe I deserve in my view at all times. I also remind myself on the lonely days that something great is coming and I need to be patient while it makes its way to me. I usually try to rush things in hopes that my misguided hopeless romantic side will be trustworthy. Clearly that hasn’t ever worked for me.

There is no rush on great things, especially because what isn’t meant for me is not for me to keep, and I’m just trying to be okay with the timing happening without my controlling it anymore.

I learned the life lesson that life is messy for everyone, and even thought it appears messier with bipolar, truthfully, I have many friends and family members who do not have bipolar but go through similar stuff and struggle to figure it out.

Bipolar disorder is just a condition of the lack of control over our thinking processes, intense empathy for others and little for ourselves, and the ability to be kicked down emotionally with very little force. The funny thing is, you can change all of these inconvenient traits of bipolar if you want to (and I am seeing that now in my own life), and you can learn to love and value yourself enough to not “need” anyone to make it better.

Bipolar disorder doesn’t mean I am mentally unhealthy. Furthermore, I don’t have to follow the old patterns I think might work better this time (which is the exact definition of insanity), but rather I can try a new way and go against my knee jerk response. Being bipolar is one piece of the total puzzle, because if you find a way to be brave and to be courageous in solving your own issues before saddling someone else with them, no one will ever think you have bipolar.

So if you love to paint, sing, make ice cream, bake cookies, create crafts, or whatever you love to do, do it and take note on how you are able to be there for yourself. This is called being your own best friend…

And it’s a beautiful thing!

Have a blessed day friends.

Powerful Truth This Morning: Comparisons & Self Judgements

I wrote a blog feeling hopeless the other day. I had just gotten home, my energy was low from the long travels and I felt overwhelmed because I was putting expectations on myself.

This was a huge MISTAKE!

I went to Bali to find myself, and find myself was exactly what I did. Sometimes I forget that I have a brain disorder. Sometimes when I feel so full of positive energy, I forget that I am still living with a mental illness to which there is no cure. So rather than giving myself a chance to sleep and replenish myself from an amazing journey, I took to writing a blog.

After I finally slept a lot, I realized that I was just fine. I learned to cope, I learned to believe in my intuitive energy and intuitive mind (or “wise mind” as they call it at the retreat).

Many people have reached out via Instagram or Facebook to ask if I was feeling better. I didn’t answer because I was ashamed that I was falling apart when I was tired from the journey. Let me just say emphatically that YES I am not only feeling much better, but I have a lot of hope for my future. Life isn’t meant to be a struggle all the time, life is meant to have moments of clarity to absorb knowledge and power. I had feared I would return home and fall apart, but I only had a moment when I was too tired to actually assess my feelings.

Guys!! If you are diagnosed with a brain disorder as I am, we absolutely must remember to give ourselves time to feel however we need to feel. That doesn’t mean we will fall apart. I know for me, I have committed most of my adult life to be self aware. I recognize the signs of my fatal demise and the moments when I am going dark sky no stars, and I immediately get help or focus my energy on listening to my body.

Let’s Talk Comparisons!!

Why do we all have a natural tendency to compare? I do it too, I’m not innocent.

If you really think about it, even those without mental illness have tremendous struggles, life itself is not easy for anyone. Plus, self esteem issues can turn into eating disorders or drug abuse, which means we are all destined to have mental issues at some point.

The things we would do well to avoid are comparisons with others. I’ll give you a completely made up example.

If you get on a airplane, and you are having anxiety but the person next to you seems calm as a cucumber, what you may not realize is that they are flying to the funeral of their own mother or sibling or loved one (you never know). So while they may not be scared to fly, they are choking back intense emotions. The moment you compare your anxiety to their emotional turmoil, you don’t get the chance to be a shoulder for them to lean on or a friend to keep you calm.

Not a single comparison is ever truly valid. When you compare, you set yourself up for failure in your own journey. That isn’t helpful for you because you don’t get the chance to love the people you are judging or to love and appreciate yourself. At the end of the day, we are all beings of love, created to love and be loved.

You might think you are damaged because you are currently looking at your life from the standpoint of the disease that you have been told you have, but truthfully, you are NOT broken, you are NOT damaged, you are NOT incapable of fighting whatever demons you have unknowingly unleashed upon yourself.

Rather, You my sweet friends, are beings of love and you are the only person(s) capable of tapping into that love.

Naturally we all feel the pull to bring drama upon ourselves, (my family is rolling their eyes because I am a drama starter like no other at times) but I, we, also have the power to learn from it and grow from it.

It isn’t about the mistakes you make, it’s about how you learn and grow from them. 😉

I have stood where some of you are standing now. I have known a toxic mind, a chaotic thought pattern. I have experienced incredible negative energy and have had my resources depleted completely for no good reason. I have laid in my bed for days, weeks, and months at a time waiting for a reason to get up, gripping onto those in my life that love me to force me out of my personal hell.

I have felt the pull to end the pain and suffering, to take my own life, I have even tried to end it more times than I thought I ever would. I have experienced intense anger and frustration for completely irrational or even made up reasons. I have pushed people away when I needed them because I didn’t know how to ask for help or I wasn’t ready to be helped. I have cried enough to fill a river, possibly an ocean but who really knows 🤷‍♀️🤣. I have been risky and made poor choices that could have or, in the past, did destroy me for a short time. I have experienced times when sleep didn’t matter, drugs were fun, drinking was necessary for survival, and life was a game of chess and I was the queen controlling the chaos. I have been manic and depressed at the same time and slipped into psychosis where I tried to convince myself I had murdered my mom, my children, or others I love in my sleep (which was completely untrue) and I became paralyzed with grief. I have experienced a shit load of trauma and went through the painful journey to forgiving myself for holding onto it. My point is;

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Trust in this, Bipolar Disorder, or any of the brain disorders, take away your ability to control your thought process easily. But I learned something about that (dare I say) bullshit. The human brain isn’t a calculated place that does what it’s supposed to, it isn’t going to follow a mediocre line of what is “normal,” that scientists can use to make assumptions. The mind is everywhere and nowhere, completely unmeasurable and unpredictable. It cannot be measured or quantified by Scientific law.

The human brain, the mind, the subconscious, is the place of reckoning, a place of learning and a place of the truest truths that can only be seen by its own host. We all have it, we all have the power to use it for good or for evil. No scientist can predict it. It is the ultimate freedom, the ultimate clarity. What about when we make mistakes?

Mistakes & The Fixes That Might Just Work!

Do you ever notice that when you make a huge mistake, you suddenly slip away to panic or anxiety attacks, you become overwhelmed or you feel completely hopeless and desperate for a solution immediately to end the discomfort?

If you think of the brain as a place of personal judgement, the order keeper, the director of the body, The orderly, the president of all things you, then you will understand that there is nothing wrong with you, even if you make a mistake!

So, you made a mistake, you are not broken beyond repair because you fucked up, you are not damaged goods, you are not worthless, you are just misreading the signals your brain is sending to you to help you improve and grow. If you tune in, you will be able to rationalize why you made the mistake in the first place.

Think of it like this, you eat a piece of broccoli. The green veggie hits your tongue and you decide, “this isn’t yummy.” Right then you decide to avoid broccoli forever, even though one day you might try it again, but not today. There are so many foods, why waste your energy on this one food you don’t care for? That is the logically explanation your mind is providing.

Now apply that logic to your other mistakes. For example, you start a rumor about a close friend. In this moment, you had a touch of jealousy or you felt angry (whatever reason you had), so you start this little seemingly harmless rumor to balance the scales and seek out your shitty revenge (which is a learning opportunity).

Suddenly, your close friend finds out and confronts you aggressively. Tearing down your foundation, saying, “how dare you judge me when you are so fucked the fuck up!” This causes your mistake to become a mirror of all shitty things you have ever done and how they are right about you.

Pause ….

You have allowed the words they said to unlock your brain in a full blown assault. Perhaps you will lay in bed for months and begin to beat yourself up with other negative things you did or feel responsible for, and suddenly you slip into a suicidal place. Thoughts start racing uncontrollably because your laziness has decided to stop fighting the inevitable.

Why should I live? What good am I? I am a burden. I am a loser. I ruin people for sport. I am no good to anyone, not even myself.

Well now that you have defiled yourself and broke down like an old Chevy on a dark road, here’s my advice to your brain:

SHUT UP BRAIN!!

This is all a lie! You made a mistake, you are not a completely fucked person because you fucked up. Slow down friend.

Just like the broccoli, or whatever food you dislike, that you decided you wouldn’t eat again, try to tell yourself that this mistake you made isn’t who you are, it is just a bad taste you don’t want to experience again. While it is easy to avoid broccoli (or the foods you don’t like) because it is a tangible thing and your brain is conditioned to avoid yucky stuff, drama can be harder to avoid, but not impossible.

Just take a moment to understand why you made the mistake, and how it would feel had it been done to you. Take all the time you need to properly assess. Also, try very hard not to judge your entire character on one mistake.

Always remember, this mistake was meant to happen. Mistakes happen because we are craving growth and in order to grow, one must accept their flaws, embrace their self imposed limitations, and stand up with new ways of evolving. Here’s a quick exercise you might try when you made a mistake.

Start by grabbing a piece of paper. This will calm down and quiet the mind. Plus it can give you the quiet space to ask yourself some simple questions in order to slow down the self judging thoughts.

Take your time and answer the following questions honestly without the self abuse or self judgements. Answer them as if your happiness is trapped in a cage and these questions are the key to unlocking it.

  1. What would you want to happen if this mistake you made was done to you by someone or something else?
  2. How would you be able to let it go in a healthy and healing way?
  3. What steps would you hope someone would take to fix the problem, (if this had been done to you)?
  4. Would you be willing to forgive someone or something if they did to you what you have just done to them?
  5. Moving forward, can you ever trust that this situation won’t happen again or accept that it might?

Then take those answers, fold the paper, and rip it up. After you rip the paper, place it on the floor, sit down, and close your eyes. Take 8 really deep and cleansing breaths. In through your nose (feeling your belly fill up) then out through the mouth.

While you take these 8 deep and cleansing breaths, inhale the air and repeat:

I am letting go and accepting of love.”

Then exhale and repeat:

I made a mistake but I am not a mistake.”

Next, walk away physically, mentally and emotionally from your situation for a few hours. In this time, watch a good/funny tv show, hang with your friends who don’t know about your mistake or don’t want to talk about your mistake, or hang with your family. The whole point is that you will not dwell on this mistake because you have taken an action and now you need to give yourself time to escape it for a few hours.

Try to remember you just took a step to solving the problem so right now, there is nothing to say about it or do about it.

After a few hours or a good nights rest, re-answer the questions with a fresh mind, and after a little space. Maybe your answers will change, maybe not. But the answers you put on the paper the second time are the ones I encourage you to use if you choose to take action.

By taking action, do what you would want done for you. If I made a mistake and my answer was that I would want someone to write me a letter apologizing and explaining why they felt the need to hurt me, then I would take action and write the letter apologizing and explaining very vulnerably why I made the choice in the first place. It is not up to you to determine what method of apology will work better for the person you hurt. Your only task is to be yourself and therefore no answer is wrong.

Just remember not to expect anything after you right the wrong or if you decide not to take action. What is meant for us, will never leave us permanently. If you make a mistake, you can only say sorry sincerely one time before you are forcing something that isn’t meant for you. Some people are forgiving but may never forget. That leaves you to decide if you want to be plagued by the mistake forever.

REMEMBER: You are never ever required to suffer from a mistake forever just because you feel responsible or unworthy. Mistakes are mistakes, every accident is the consequence of a mistake set in motion. Believe the truth that grief is good, grief is healthy when it is necessary! Letting go requires grief, whether the situation is big or small. You are only human. You don’t have to be sensitive to the judgements of others, you did the work, you learned from this mistake, and you may even do it again one day, but you are still a shining star worthy of love and acceptance.

While I took a little bit of a rabbit hole in this blog post, I want to point out that my blog from yesterday was not legitimate or honest to me. It was a mistake to write about my feelings before I knew what they were and I am choosing to forgive myself and let go of it now without removing the mistake. We are all capable of being bigger than we believe we are, but exhaustion can distort reality.

Reach out if I can support you with anything.

Xo

Niki

My Real Life …. Huge Joke

I’m home. I missed being home because of the familiar faces and my children. But I am miserable.

I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, I wish I could understand how I am capable of being my truest self in Bali, then coming home and forgetting who I am. I was so Happy and so alive, feeling healthy and wonderful in Bali to coming home and feeling like my true self took a hike and left a shell of that girl in its place.

I know I am jet lagged, which is why I am trying so hard to be patient, but it seems to me that this isn’t much different than before I left. I just genuinely hate myself here in my real life. My real life is currently a mix of heartache, pain, sadness from missing my children, worthlessness from being a shitty mom to a shitty daughter, shitty human, shitty friend. I feel like I’m two feet tall with no strength.

I didn’t have the urge to be depressed or manic while I was away, now I have this strong desire to lay in my bed and forget the world exists. I am so tired of fighting this emptiness. I am literally exhausted from not being able to see myself being happy here no matter how hard I fucking try.

If it is true that everywhere you go there you are, then why? Why was I happy and now I can’t see one happy thing here? I got home and all the air was sucked out of the sky and given to more important people than me.

I wish I could make sense of this, but I don’t have any answers. I just feel like my family is happier when I’m not here, most likely everyone is. I am too much for them, too much of a stressor, too much of a mess, too loud, I shine too brightly that it’s annoying. I can’t seem to find the energy to pick myself up in this world I live in. I feel depleted all the time. Exhausted and sad and pathetic, and it all started with the shitty stuff my ex has put me through!

Yes I am aware of how pathetic it is to love someone who doesn’t love you, how pathetic it is to have your family helping to care for you because you are not working enough to do it yourself. I know it’s pathetic that I can’t drive! I’m just pathetic. The sooner I accept it the better.

Today, it was suggested I have Stockholm syndrome. I am so tired of everything having to have a meaning. Maybe it’s nothing more than being totally done with life here! Maybe I’m just broken hearted. Maybe I just loved him! Maybe I just feel sad because I’m heartbroken. Maybe I need to lay in bed and let the exhaustion figure itself out. Medication won’t fix it, therapy won’t fix it, working is scaring me because driving is still scaring the shit out of me! I truly feel like I’m locked in a cage.

Maybe I’m unfixable. Maybe that’s just what it is and I’m never going to be enough for the people that support me! Maybe it’s just the way it is because I’m not perfect and I won’t make the logical decisions they know I need to, but logic means losing the last chance I have for a true family. That hurts more than anything he could do or say to me.

Of course my logical brain knows that he is no good for me, in fact he is terrible to me, and I should run away. Of course my logical brain knows I am better than the drama. Unfortunately, the logical brain isn’t in control right now, and most of the time when it comes to love my logical brain is no where to be found.

I am praying I find things to make me happy here in my shitty life. If not then I am heading back to despair which I won’t live with anymore.

Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have, Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman with my past.

– Lana Del Ray

Have Faith in the Bigger Plan

Sometimes I find myself getting so caught up in the details.

At home, I work myself up when things don’t go at least somewhat as they should or how I envisioned in my mind. This is because I set an expectation. The root of all negative things for me stems from freaking expectations!

Today, I had a schedule to have a surf lesson. I was overtired and a little burnt out from the sun after my weekend getaway in Amed this past weekend. I felt like my outward energy was repelling the idea of surfing this morning. I mean I want to do it, but not today, is all I could think about.

All the stars aligned, however, because I accepted that whatever was meant to be, is what will be! I gave my energy to the universe and something happened. It was as if that second I let go of my feelings about whether the activity happened or not the bigger plan determined the course of the morning.

Rather than surfing, which I wasn’t ready to do today, I enjoyed a calming and enlightening yoga experience instead. This was exactly what my body was craving today. It was refreshing and the perfect way to get my new healing week under way.

The funny thing about all of it, is that I didn’t once feel irritated or disappointed that the day wasn’t perfect to plan. In fact, I realized that having faith in the bigger plan was more exhilarating and required less energy. I have come to believe that having a mental illness requires routine to some degree, but the routine has to feel right to me in my current state. That’s the part I keep pushing away, the reminder that routine is nice, but that I am more flexible than a strict schedule with diligent rules.

This go with the flow feeling has been so helpful for me in my healing journey. There are moments that I can sense my fear, my sadness about things at home, but then I remind myself that I can only control my reactions to the world around me. Life is supposed to be unpredictable and even messy at times. It’s up to me to find order for myself in the chaos. I am trying to honor that thoroughly.

This journey is meant to be how it is going. If I take a handful of cut paper and throw them on the floor, they will create an arrangement. The arrangement will never be the same if I try to do it again. I will choose to remember that everything that happens, will only ever happen this way once. That is why I must appreciate the experience because it will change even if all the factors are the same. ♥️🙏

F*ck … The War is Coming

Inner child therapy is fucking hard. It hurts a lot. It makes me see the pain much deeper than I thought was possible.

The wreck-less mess she made of me

I just realized today that my 15 year old self is a narcissistic, brat, who got traumatized so much she doesn’t know the difference between pleasure and pain. She has been in control more than the present me. I am 32 fucking years old and I have fallen down a lot to now allowing myself to lean on a bad time in my life when the hormonal and bitchy 15 year old was driving through like a freight train.

Not anymore. I’m kicking her ass and showing her who is in control now and how I will not give up control anymore. Time to sit down, the mama is coming out, the fighter is about to take you down to where you belong little girl. You’ve shown me yours and my own pain today, I’m grateful for that, but I will be damned if I keep letting you steal my joy.

Want to see the strength I have from being locked inside for so long? I am about to unleash the soldier.

Time for some boxing. Time to break open and fight, let my body, my fist, my legs fight it till the physical pain makes me stop hiding from her and eventually I will face her without disassociating.

In my mind she is 30 feet tall stepping on the joy, the love and the ability to heal myself.

Not anymore!

Fighting back finally

My Healing Journey was Meant to be Shared: Week One of Being Reborn

Welcome to my healing journey. You are welcome to be here, you are invited, you are welcome to share your thoughts without my judgement. You are welcome to say or do whatever feels right to you without fear of hurting me. I love you and I want you here. I want you to share with me how I can support you as well as both honor and value the relationship between us.

xo

Sincerely,

the true Nicole

Thank you for coming here to read about my healing journey. By you being here, you are an ally in my healing journey. As part of my journey I wish to see myself being alive, being loved, being wrapped and emerged in joy and truth (good or bad), being truly in love with myself for the remainder of my life, and allowing others to feel their own feelings while braving the opinions of others even if they are critical.

By doing the work to love myself, I can see my value, my self worth, and to stand firm in my power and strength without being scared of it or wondering and hoping not to get swept up by what others think of me. This journey is one I wish to share, not because I’m asking for help, but to accept that life outside of healing is still there, and I love all of you enough (whomever you are and wherever you are) to want to share.  I want to offer my apologies where they are needed and offer forgiveness where it is meant to be given.

Your words matter to me even if you aren’t sure they will help me on this journey, but perhaps they will help me in my future or I may never fully hear them and that is okay too. Speak your truth friends and stand in your own power with me, listen to your authentic self speak inside you and allow it to come out if it feels right.

Here’s my healing path explained

I believe in this life, we all heal our wounds differently. I used to think that healing meant not being allowed to look in on or at how the people I love are doing or what they might be saying about me. To not know about anyone or anything, to focus entirely on myself and escape the real world until I returned with new wisdom, is a temporary solution for me.

While I don’t judge anyone that feels that this method works for best them.  I am working on being aware of when my advice is mindful and accepting or controlling and judge mental.

A journey that is started is meant to have its peaks and valleys. Try as I might, I will only heal when I am meant to and not a moment sooner.

Through my open healing, I want to experience a true, a full and an enlightened healing that stays with me for many years to come. I strongly disagree that those who choose to heal out loud are codependent or seeking attention.  Sometimes, I just find it easier to hear the perspectives as others, and being able to draw inspiration and comfort when the world gets overwhelming. I believe that there is nothing wrong with being connected to those around you as long as you can hear your inner voice speaking louder than the voices of others and always do what is best for you from the inside out.

My Spiritual Realization with My Higher Power

My Lord Jesus, who I believe created me (and mind you I don’t expect anyone to have the same belief as I do and I will never judge you for your beliefs), wanted me to be a beacon of connection to life through love and joy. He created me to start fires when they were necessary to provide me growth and to have the power to put the fire out in the timing He planned for me. He didn’t leave me alone with or in the fire, He never let me burn alive, He always made sure that there were many escape plans for me to use should I need them, and He never let me set fires that He knew I couldn’t handle. He believes in me, because He knows who I am more than anyone else. He knows that He built me to be capable of chaos with purpose, but also capable of deep, unconditional love for my neighbors and the creatures He created to roam this Earth. Furthermore, and to finish this thought, He never left me alone in the fire and always made sure that I got what I needed from it before I walked away.

He always stood with me, guiding me like only a devoted Father can. So to my Lord I say, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for revealing your love and purpose for me in the life you have blessed me with. For continuing to love me through my stubbornness, doubts and insecurities. I may not have understood your reasons for presenting me with my past and present hardships, I may have cursed at you at times for the pain I have been in, gotten angry with you Lord and even believed you weren’t there because the pain I was experiencing felt desolate and deeper than the human world could go, but you were sharing your light, knowing that I was meant to be a healer, a loving source of energy, and that the journey to finding that truth would be the most incredible experience of my life. 🙏

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My Theory about my Strength and Power and Why Bali was Where I went to Find my Purpose and Kick Start my Healing

When I arrived at the Be Kind Retreats here in beautiful Bali, the incredibly strong and wonderful Loes said something in the opening ceremony that will forever stay with me. She said:

If you ask for it, Bali always gives you what you want and need.

She was so unbelievably right and maybe she doesn’t know it, but she will be with me forever because she said that. I believe the moment those words left her mouth, she unlocked my deepest healing power within myself. She showed me my true strength and my truest healing purpose. It wasn’t what I expected at all and at first that scared me. Now I am so exhilarated to finish this journey, after absorbing the power it’s providing, and be embraced by my truest self. For the story of my truest self, I will write a separate blog because what I saw when I met my true self, has me so beyond encouraged to be her.

My theory about why I came on this healing journey was because I felt that I was being consumed by pain and distrust from within myself. I was drowning and no one was able to save me. Now I know it wasn’t someone’s job to save me, it was my own job that I was neglecting because it appeared too hard. The truth is that the healing journey was meant for me to meet my power and strength and to understand the purpose of these incredibly large forces that were bestowed upon me and earned by me through my suffering.

eyes shut seuess

See the way (I learned here in Bali) is that my power and strength works for healing myself by healing those around me and experiencing the good and bad connections of life while healing myself. I want to be surrounded with good vibes, love, and to bring my people along on this journey to be a part of the steps I take to meet my true self.

My enlightenment comes for and from those I love regardless of how some might disagree with that belief or believe that is codependency causing this. Truly, I believe codependency is a symptom of not understanding the true forces of exchanging love and power. That is something I am working on doing honestly and with intention too. Furthermore, I don’t ask for opinions so people make my choices for me, I ask for opinions so I can gather perspective as I make big decisions. If you ask my mother, bless her patient heart, I will likely not take your advice because I am going to inevitably do it the way that feels right for me, whether it is right or wrong to anyone else.

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Fresh Fruit Smoothies in Ubud with Jim and Lee.  Perfect way to show myself love after a tough trek down to the holy water.  

I Opened My Eyes

Medicine. Nervous breakdowns. Depression. Bipolar. Rapid Cycling. Suicide…. what does it all mean? Why does it happen?

I have been living in this circle of hell for a long time. A place where my mind believes it’s trapped. I’m done being trapped. Being trapped is like not knowing yourself at all and hoping you find yourself one day, “eventually”, “miraculously”.

Many people in my life have told me that “nothing great or worth having ever comes easy”! Well then I guess finding myself will be the greatest quest I ever embarked on because I will finally know me after the hardest few years of my life.

I opened my eyes tonight to this opportunity. It came when I heard this song. Quick tidbit about me, I have an obsession with finding music that I have never heard and seeing if the song can invoke any feelings and this song did.

It’s called “Oceans” by Seafret.

I am sure the song was meant for someone that he loved and lost but in my case, it’s for the me I must have loved at some point but then I lost myself ….

I still wonder how I got so lost. What happened to allow me to drift so far? Maybe I don’t need to know that answer, maybe I do, or maybe I just need to know how to be better than just okay.

I have so many friends I admire so much, for their strength in persevering when life has kicked them down. Maybe they hid their pain better than me, but watching them survive stuff I knew I wouldn’t survive as well made me want to fix me.

My friend K went through a brutal heartache, hurt for a long time, and survived and is thriving. My friend Andrea wrote a book about surviving divorce with children call Single Mom Slaying It. My friend D suffered an illness that doctors couldn’t figure out and tried to put him on mental health meds. My friend M went through a terrible breakup after being in a relationship for ten years.

My friends are WARRIORS! I kept thinking to myself, “Why can’t I be a warrior too?” No one said I couldn’t so I’m going to try with everything left in me to come back from this.

To all of you who have let me in on what you struggle with, thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the strength to believe I can overcome this too. You are all my people for life no matter where we all end up!