I have been blessed, and I have been cursed. Life is a double edged sword.
In my life I have had the amazing experience of a strong, loyal and fiercely connected family. It has been a blessing unlike anything I could ever put into words.
But it’s also a curse to love so many people.
When you are capable of deep empathy, the more people you love, the more joy and pain you are destined to feel. I am not angry over my aunts death anymore, but I feel like I walk around with a whole in my heart and soul.
My family is my heart. My family is my world. When they leave this life, they take a piece of my heart with them because we are connected heart to heart.
I have experienced exponential loss in my 33 years, but they all hurt in a different way. I lost my cheerleader in Aunt Joanne. I lost my night owl who would comfort me when I couldn’t sleep in a 3 hour conversation about life and nothing specific.
I wouldn’t have been any better off if she died from any other cause besides the Coronavirus, but I would have had the chance to hug her and let myself be hugged by her one more time. The simple comforts of a hug can change a lot about how you experience the loss of someone you love.
Life doesn’t feel the same at all without her, but I know where she is and how much the Lord must enjoy her. I know we enjoyed her so much.
My anger quelled today. I realized a number of things that were flawed in my thought process about my aunt dying at the hands of the pandemic.
The magic that I believed in was tested and I feel like I partially failed at that test. Here’s what I learned.
Anger is Part of the Normal Grieving Process
My anger was bad, but it was part of my personal grieving process. Had I acknowledged that fact, I would have come out of it a lot faster.
When you lose someone you deem special, and they go so fast that you feel like you barely even had a moment to digest what was happening before the outcome, it is frustrating. I will always miss her laughter as well as the fun conversations we would have. This is hard to accept because I really enjoy her jovial personality and all the amazing times I have had with her. Knowing it won’t happen again, gives me a loss of control which is frustrating and enraging to me.
You Can Have Trust or Control…
I did a bible study a few weeks ago that had never left me. The Bible study devotional said:
“Nothing is going to happen without me being forewarned and prepared to face it.
The problem, however, is that trust and control do not coexist. You can have control or you can have trust, but you can’t have both.”
YouVersion Bible App
Reading this really opened my eyes to some truth I never realized. I have spent my life thinking I was trusting when truly I was forcing myself to be controlling of each situation in hopes I could navigate the outcome somehow. I am now making a conscious effort to be more trusting.
I have to tell you, choosing to trust is a more beautiful way to live. Living with trust over control is also one of the most challenging things I have ever had to do. I didn’t realize how much effort it is to change an adherent quality of myself until I started making an effort.
With all that being said, by honoring my journey to choosing trust over control, I have quelled the anger of my aunts passing by remembering that I have to trust that this was meant to happen.
Additionally, a conversation with my aunt B. opened my eyes to how being inquisitiveness doesn’t always serve us. Sometimes you have to accept the intricacies of human existence as it is because you cannot change the past. Why question what happened when it all worked out as it should? (But I suck at this because I need answers when frankly there aren’t always answers readily available.)
Love is The Beginning & Love is the End
The last thing that helped stop the angry and frustrated thinking was remembering that I loved aunt Joanne. I loved her like a mother figure, like someone who believed in me with fierce loyalty no matter what I did. I never felt as if I deserved that level of faith, but if she was capable of that for me, don’t I owe her my loving support in her departure?
Love begot the world, and love will be there in the end. She was loved and maybe she didn’t hear it enough, but at the end, we made sure she knew how loved she truly was. We comforted her with our voices while she laid in a coma, telling her how much she meant to us. I will never be able to thank God enough for that.
The pandemic is terrible. Many people are dying alone. It’s enraging and devastating, but please try to take a moment to pray that God is opening his gates to all these souls, even if they haven’t had the chance to come to Him before dying.
I could never believe anyone is unworthy of the love of our Lord, no matter what the Bible or religious leaders teach. The Jesus I have come to know is so full of love that there is no way he would leave even the worst of us to burn in some hell fire. That love from Jesus makes the anger within me feel less severe.
I didn’t intend on turning this post into a religious one, but when death, grief and loss are involved, it’s hard not to share faith and belief.
Today I am grateful I found a way to let go of my pain and anger. The feelings are still raw and the wounds deep, but I know that I can’t be angry forever. Thank you all for not judging me as I ranted about my disgust and rage yesterday. I am only imperfectly human and the shock crippled me.
Where do the Strong People Go to Fall Apart? Where do I lean when my whole entire life is ripping at the seams? Where do I cry? How do I cry? How do I feel joy? Where is the joy in the world when everyone leans on you?
I’m falling down, but no one sees me, no one notices it. They all believe my strength will save me. This time I don’t know what to do, who to turn to, who to talk to, what to feel or even what to think. My insides are hurting, my whole body is drained from fighting off the anger, the pain and the stress of everyone else around me. I’m so tired.
Being strong is a curse. It’s a curse because you know you have to be the leader, the one who has to break themselves in half to help the people who can’t see that you are doing them a favor.
Being strong means you have to be capable of handling heartache and sadness in a raw and miserable way. You have to hear how you are an asshole for hurting someone when you are trying to help someone be the best version of themselves whilealso trying to give them the best version of you.
Being strong means you have to be comfortable being alone in your pain because no one will be able to handle the pain you carry. Even if you just lean on them slightly, you will crush a person whoisn’t meant to carry the load you are meantto carry.
Being strong means you have to shovel shit, while shoveling more shit and then keep shoveling even when your arms are begging for a break.
Being strong means you have to cry to yourself because your break down is more comparable to an atomic bomb exploding and wrecking everything in its path.
Being strong means giving others your positive energy even when you need it. This is because just some of your strength can move mountains for those with less strength.
Being strong means you will attract people who are weaker because they need you and believe in you.
Being strong is a curse. It’s a curse I would gladly walk away from and happily find a strong person to lean on.
I’m exhausted, bleeding inside, breaking at the seams and ready to escape this hell or being a strong person. I don’t want this curse, I don’t want to break my own heart to feel like I’m doing the right thing.
The worst part is that the strongest people I know die young. They die from trying to be too strong for too long. I have to hope for a different outcome. I hope my Lord is watching my back as I struggle to find good in a world that has crushed me and devastated me over and over and over again.
Today is a holiday I used to believe to be a waste of time. I used to say selfish things like:
What do I have to be thankful for living with bipolar disorder?
Should I be thankful I didn’t commit suicide this year?
It used to be an unhealthy day for me, one where I couldn’t see the people, places or things in my life that were worth being thankful for. Rather, I saw only the bleak light of surviving another year.
This year, I felt as though the holidays were going to destroy me. With the break up of my 5 year relationship, the 2 suicide attempts, the messy career moves I made that nearly put me over the edge, and the horrible people I allowed into my life under false pretenses, I was uncertain that I would be thankful for anything again this year.
Fortunately, I am.
I am thankful for bipolar disorder and my ability to be more open about my life with bipolar.
I am thankful for my children and my family who have had my back through the darkest of times.
I am thankful for my beauty, and my heart that is always full because of family and friends.
I am thankful for my will power to survive the darkness even when I thought it would eat me alive or I wouldn’t survive the emotional pain.
I am thankful for Bali and all the amazing people that brought healing, love and kindness into my life without expecting anything more than honesty from me.
I am thankful for my breakup from a toxic relationship that brought the worst out of two good people. The change was hard to accept but I am beginning to realize that he was a part of my journey to healing myself and he will always be in my life because of our child.
I am thankful for the difficult lessons I learned in life and in my career, the exciting opportunities I have barely tapped into, and even the frustration with websites that have had issues or were more work than I realized.
I am thankful that the truth always wins and that eventually the harsh truth, whether we like it or not, can save us from making mistakes or not learning from our mistakes.
I am thankful for the home I live in and the amazing neighbors and friends I have been blessed with.
I am thankful for the food I am able to buy and the bills I am able to pay.
I am thankful for my Lord for protecting me through the dark times, even when I didn’t think He was there.
I am thankful for myself. For the strength I earned through picking myself up from every disaster and finding new reasons to be balanced.
Rocking the sick look to remind myself that I am still beautiful and worthy of love!
Lastly, I am thankful for my three close friends that all make me feel loved and cared for regardless of my choices or mistakes.
My Andrea who turns the negatives into positives and always shows me how much she cares! ♥️
Lastly, I am thankful for my parents who always worked hard to care for me and give me every opportunity, and every experience I needed, to be the best version of myself. They also combined all their best qualities in creating me.
There are always things to be thankful for, and I guess this year, rather than believing that my “issues” are not worthy of being thankful for, I choose to be grateful and thankful for them. After all, I wouldn’t be me without them.
While this has been a tough year to go through, I struggled a lot and I felt a lot of loss, I realized that today I have more reasons to be thankful than ungrateful. I always have in fact, and it took some reminding to myself that I am stronger and braver than I ever believed.
I can and did overcome the hard times and learned from those hard times, that I can walk away even if it hurts, I can say goodbye without coming undone completely, and I can live with bipolar disorder without medication because I will not let my brains chemical imbalance live my life for me. I feel blessed to have found my balance during the hardest of hard times, that I have found strength when I wanted to be weak, that I found hope when a situations seemed hopeless, and that I found joy when I felt joyless.
I can only hope that at this time of year, when giving thanks is the theme of the season, that you all will find your reasons why being alive, and being grateful as well as thankful are the true healing sources of living a life with a brain disorder or mental illness. The goal is to create the life worth living by pushing yourself past what you may think is holding you back, and finding joy on the other side of the heartache and suffering.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May you find one or many reasons to be thankful for the little or big blessings in your life. I encourage you to embrace your journey today and to find new meanings for the dark or less favorable realities of your life.
Even if you feel that getting out of bed seems impossible, you will get through the storm with determination and patience if you believe, have faith, be kind, and let go of the things that are done.
I took a pause from blogging to handle some of my own shit. I was blogging, but I didn’t post them.
I have such an intense collection of unposted blogs that I might start selling them. The reason for this is because if you really want to understand living with bipolar disorder, unmedicated, I write almost everyday, especially when every emotion is spiraling and screaming in my head.
It took me years and years, and still I struggle, to keep my emotional outlet to a minimum so as not to embarrass myself. If you are interested in reading my private posts I will open an anonymous form at some point or you can email me at email@example.com so I know who would be interested and why. It will be password protected and available for only a short time with no downloads.
Anyways … on to Love, Sex and all things Scandalous
I met someone that I truly like, and I didn’t think I would like someone again after the bullshit in my last toxic relationship. Nothing has happened yet but I’m truly excited to get to those parts since there is a good connection and a stable friendship building.
He already knows I am capable of being a handful, has seen my worst habits, my worst look, and he hasn’t run so I think as long as there continues to be chemistry, my posts will be very cutesy. Also, I needed a strong man, so let’s see how strong this man is, because I am a fiercely independent woman. Yes I am sexy and kind, but I have seen and felt shit that most wouldn’t understand or be comfortable with.
Oh well, I like the idea of a good guy better than my last few months of fuck off posts and depressing emotional hell, with a sprinkle of greatness in Bali.
I do have a lot of hesitations about allowing myself to feel again. I am scared to death of being hurt again, especially after being lied to for so many years. I have had moments of absolutely hating myself through my turbulent breakup from an alcoholic in denial. It’s funny how fast a person will blame you for everything when they know what they did was far worse.
I also started singing again to calm my stress. It’s funny how singing can cool my temperament when I’m angry, which I have been at my ex for a long time. I was angry at him before we even broke up for all the hell he put us through, and I’m not saying I was an angel, but I was trying harder than he even was capable of comprehending and for that I will never respect his sorry ass again.
Lately, I have been having the most intense sex dreams. Similar to the one I had in Bali, during a deep meditation. I remember coming back to consciousness and feeling exhausted from the intensity of it. And my dreams are far more intense and soulful than the meditation. Oddly, I haven’t even been thinking about having sex or anything, it’s like my subconscious is taking care of that for me while I settle my life and figure things out. I have this seductive side of myself that is tamed right now, because I am a one man woman. I don’t want to waste my sexual energies on just anyone.
My “truest self” meditation revealed me standing strong for my children, feeling alive for them. I was beautiful, strong and fierce and I felt connected to myself and everyone around me. I have noticed I am becoming that woman right now, but it’s subtle and slow moving, however, it’s a beautiful and amazing feeling to see my journey turning in that direction.
I miss Bali so much! But I have brought back all my teachings and I know I have been neglecting them. I need to make sure that I am taking the time to do the things I need to do in order to maintain my peace and contentment.
I have also reconnected with a friend who meant so much to me. We reconnected a long time ago, but we have been getting really close as of this year. It’s been a great feeling to have her back in my life. Some friends are good for me, and she is one of them.
Sorry again for the quiet spell, I will catch up as much as I can.
I’m home. I missed being home because of the familiar faces and my children. But I am miserable.
I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, I wish I could understand how I am capable of being my truest self in Bali, then coming home and forgetting who I am. I was so Happy and so alive, feeling healthy and wonderful in Bali to coming home and feeling like my true self took a hike and left a shell of that girl in its place.
I know I am jet lagged, which is why I am trying so hard to be patient, but it seems to me that this isn’t much different than before I left. I just genuinely hate myself here in my real life. My real life is currently a mix of heartache, pain, sadness from missing my children, worthlessness from being a shitty mom to a shitty daughter, shitty human, shitty friend. I feel like I’m two feet tall with no strength.
I didn’t have the urge to be depressed or manic while I was away, now I have this strong desire to lay in my bed and forget the world exists. I am so tired of fighting this emptiness. I am literally exhausted from not being able to see myself being happy here no matter how hard I fucking try.
If it is true that everywhere you go there you are, then why? Why was I happy and now I can’t see one happy thing here? I got home and all the air was sucked out of the sky and given to more important people than me.
I wish I could make sense of this, but I don’t have any answers. I just feel like my family is happier when I’m not here, most likely everyone is. I am too much for them, too much of a stressor, too much of a mess, too loud, I shine too brightly that it’s annoying. I can’t seem to find the energy to pick myself up in this world I live in. I feel depleted all the time. Exhausted and sad and pathetic, and it all started with the shitty stuff my ex has put me through!
Yes I am aware of how pathetic it is to love someone who doesn’t love you, how pathetic it is to have your family helping to care for you because you are not working enough to do it yourself. I know it’s pathetic that I can’t drive! I’m just pathetic. The sooner I accept it the better.
Today, it was suggested I have Stockholm syndrome. I am so tired of everything having to have a meaning. Maybe it’s nothing more than being totally done with life here! Maybe I’m just broken hearted. Maybe I just loved him! Maybe I just feel sad because I’m heartbroken. Maybe I need to lay in bed and let the exhaustion figure itself out. Medication won’t fix it, therapy won’t fix it, working is scaring me because driving is still scaring the shit out of me! I truly feel like I’m locked in a cage.
Maybe I’m unfixable. Maybe that’s just what it is and I’m never going to be enough for the people that support me! Maybe it’s just the way it is because I’m not perfect and I won’t make the logical decisions they know I need to, but logic means losing the last chance I have for a true family. That hurts more than anything he could do or say to me.
Of course my logical brain knows that he is no good for me, in fact he is terrible to me, and I should run away. Of course my logical brain knows I am better than the drama. Unfortunately, the logical brain isn’t in control right now, and most of the time when it comes to love my logical brain is no where to be found.
I am praying I find things to make me happy here in my shitty life. If not then I am heading back to despair which I won’t live with anymore.
Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have, Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman with my past.
Today, I had a hunch. Something has been off lately with my ex. In fact I kept avoiding the inevitable because I thought I would be devastated if I knew the truth.
It felt like my intuition was trying to tell me something. It was a question I knew the answer to but I didn’t want confirmation yet, especially when I was hurting so much before. Now I’m glad to have the truth, which he fucking sucks at to begin with and probably didn’t give me the full truth.
My ex has been talking to other girls. “But not dating, sleeping with anyone or anything super serious!” As he says. 😁
Right 👌 well not my circus not my monkeys anymore! 😁
Truth is, we both have been moving on in small ways, but I couldn’t let go, so the decent guys I met I pretty much denied out of loyalty to my ex and our history. All while he was actually looking for another one to take care of him. See I can detach from the people I talk to, he is the type to build a strong intellectual bond first, make them fall for him, then take what he wants and eventually leave them heart broken and scratching their heads. I wasn’t special, I know that now, and I am good because he will never forget me. Just kind of wishing I realized what a hoe he is sooner but oh well. I have G because of that loser, and G is the cutest little guy. Eventually, we will be friends, but not until the red hot flames of disgust go away.
Here’s what happened. While sitting on the 32 hour plane ride home, I decided it was time to confirm what I already knew.
“I have a question?” I asked.
Then I asked him if he was talking to other girls. I know totally not worth the grief for most. For me, I needed to know so I wasn’t making up the story in my head. I already knew he was because that man is not as badass as he portrays himself to be. He needs someone to take care of him. He doesn’t want to be in love, he wants to be worshipped, and have someone be his mommy figure. He isn’t a super awesome catch and I realized I may have never actually loved him, because this should have hurt a ton more than it did, but it just didn’t.
As much as I truly hope he gets it this time with some stupid girl who believes he’s redeemable, he won’t because even the most effed up girls can only take that shit for so long. I did 5 1/2 years of that nonsense and honestly I feel like a Warrior Princess, I am kind or relieved to be moving forward finally. His whole life is surrounded by unhealthy coping skills and messy connections.
At first I felt like telling him off and crying (the shock was a bit hard to swallow), now I feel like I can breath for the first time in a long time. I don’t want it anymore. Especially once it’s been tampered with, I’m done! I will never trust him again so I now know what I have got to do. Besides he was honest but probably not completely truthful, I know I wouldn’t be if I was him. I have a tendency to be crazy. (Sorry not sorry, I love hard).
Anyways, I decided that my focus is going to be on my career and my kids. I will find what I need in a king when the time is right. I don’t want to rush and end up in a dog-shit relationship again with a guy who can make me feel special for a while then leave me broken when he decides to fuck with my money, my children, my family, me and my heart. Ugh no thank you. I just had to pull myself back up and this time I am keeping it together for good. Not just for me, but for my kids and all the people I am going to help with what I learned in Bali and what I believe I can and will do.
Let me share one thing I learned with y’all, never ever ever disrespect yourself by being with someone, or giving someone your heart, who can’t ever give a crap about you. When I say can’t, I mean my ex wasn’t capable of actually love. He can’t love anyone besides himself because it’s all he knows and he won’t fix it.
I have never felt so many negative vibes and so much disrespect in my life as I did from him. I actually told myself I would be open to being with him again if we could make it work after Bali, then I learned he had been talking to other girls, and I said to myself, “thank God! I am so grateful he was honest but I feel like I just shed 500lbs of emotional baggage and bullshit.”
Eventually I will let the dating posts begin!! I haven’t really done that in long time, I don’t know how funny or messy it’ll be yet. I’m sure this’ll be a fun journey when the time is right, but first, career and stabilizing my kids lives.
My priorities are my love for myself and my children so I never get ripped apart by another bag of shit again. This is a commitment to being truly happy and alive the way I deserve after being used. Finding myself and believing in me again was step one, now step two is getting into a routine. Fuck, it’s gonna be nice to love myself all the time! Plus nothing matters more my friends.
Today, I did a reiki session. I have to say, reiki is a new favorite for me because it truly opened my eyes. Let me tell you what happened.
At first I was kissing a man. I didn’t understand who he was, why he was there or whether I knew him or not. He was just there with me, holding me with his love. After he kissed me, I laid down on his legs, the room was dark, his energy was bright and beautiful in the room but i couldn’t see him.
After I blinked, I was talking to what I believe to be my Lord. I can’t remember everything he said, but I got a message from Him. The message was in response to a question I had in my heart about this experience. I couldn’t see Him, I don’t know what I was seeing actually, I just heard His words. I also don’t remember anything else He said to me, except this.
Is what Anissa doing actually going to work for me?
I asked Him. He responded,
She believes, so it will.
The moment he said it, the image changed and I was seeing flashes in green fields. Little dancing lights here and there, like old memories being reborn with new life. Then the dancing lights and green fields turned into black bird looking figures that came closer and closer and then turned bright white. There were about 8 to 10 of these and I felt myself leaving my body and coming back. It was an odd sensation and after waking Anissa told me I had twitched a lot.
Then I was back to being kissed by the man who loved me. I couldn’t see him, I just felt the love he had for me was so strong it was like he was a part of me. I felt so drawn to him. He was my destiny, my truest love. I don’t know who he is, or if I have met him yet, but he was there giving me what I had been longing for.
I have always had trouble with love because I had such a great example of what love should be from my parents, but I missed the most important part of what love actually is.
Love takes work.
I forgot that love takes work! The most important work we do on our journey to connection with intimacy in another person.
My parents made it look easy because they were so in love. They were strong for each other and accepted each other’s short comings. But that wasn’t always as easy as I thought it was or what I was sure I was seeing. They had moments, even if I didn’t see them, that they had to fight and struggle and work hard to find balance. Balance isn’t naturally won, it takes work!
You know how every time we struggle personally, we come back stronger with new knowledge? In a way, pain helps us to feel more capable of standing up because we suffered and survived. Well every time a relationship struggles, if two people hold on tight, they come back stronger together with new knowledge and they get closer and stronger together. I want to have that with someone someday.
I will wait till the universe provides that person for me. The man who will hold me the way I am meant to be held, never stop me from being happy and doing what I feel is right, the man that will give me hope in my heart, the man that will bring me strength when I am unable to find it within myself, and the man who will love me through my storms and my sunshine. My best friend is out there, I know that now. No more giving up on love when it gets hard, I will fall in love with the right one someday and I will remember that it will be hard, but worth it. ♥️
Maybe it’s just me, but letting go has never been easy for me. In fact I feel abandoned, rejected and deep emotional pain when someone says to me, “you have to let go.” I feel like the option is worse than the thought of dying, but perhaps that why it is necessary.
Some of my friends tell me to be alone for a while, some of them tell me to enjoy myself and figure it out along the journey. It’s time for me to figure that out.
What do I want? And what’s the goals to getting what I want?
I dreamed for a long time of being an astronaut then I grew a fear of that concept when history class taught me about the space shuttle that exploded before take off. My new dream then became being a doctor. But with two kids and no time or money to spare, and a serious lack of interest in calculus, that seems like a lofty dream.
I guess I need to start dreaming again at 32. I need to write myself a new story with a new dream, new goals and new confidence.
Letting go of him, of the family I built and thought I would never lose, has been the worst pain I have experienced in a long time. I have to accept it and let the tears come when they do so I can believe in myself again. So I can wash away the pain and grow from here. Sadness scares me, loneliness sounds sad, and I never wanted either of those two emotions to become my own reality. I guess it just proves that I am capable of more than you ever imagined about myself! One day at a time.
Goals for now:
Goal number 1: I have to start driving! I have to do this so I can open all the doors I have closed in my life since I developed a fear of driving.
Goal number 2: become the best mom I could ever be! Give my boys all my love, affection and happiness. They are the priority, they are my only concern!
Goal number 3: quit smoking and begin transforming my health. No more junk, better eating habits, better fitness routines, better self love and a lot more balance in my life.
Goal number 4: more spirituality and more focus on being mentally healthy.
I think I owe it to myself to start this journey and begin to gain momentum with these goals so I can believe in myself again, instead of hiding from myself and the world. To begin, my first piece is to accept that my family is broken but it isn’t going to break me and my children. I hated the thought of being alone, being a single mom, but I am going to be okay if I focus on my true happiness and finding what’s next for myself.