Inner child therapy is fucking hard. It hurts a lot. It makes me see the pain much deeper than I thought was possible.
The wreck-less mess she made of me
I just realized today that my 15 year old self is a narcissistic, brat, who got traumatized so much she doesn’t know the difference between pleasure and pain. She has been in control more than the present me. I am 32 fucking years old and I have fallen down a lot to now allowing myself to lean on a bad time in my life when the hormonal and bitchy 15 year old was driving through like a freight train.
Not anymore. I’m kicking her ass and showing her who is in control now and how I will not give up control anymore. Time to sit down, the mama is coming out, the fighter is about to take you down to where you belong little girl. You’ve shown me yours and my own pain today, I’m grateful for that, but I will be damned if I keep letting you steal my joy.
Want to see the strength I have from being locked inside for so long? I am about to unleash the soldier.
Time for some boxing. Time to break open and fight, let my body, my fist, my legs fight it till the physical pain makes me stop hiding from her and eventually I will face her without disassociating.
In my mind she is 30 feet tall stepping on the joy, the love and the ability to heal myself.
Welcome to my healing journey. You are welcome to be here, you are invited, you are welcome to share your thoughts without my judgement. You are welcome to say or do whatever feels right to you without fear of hurting me. I love you and I want you here. I want you to share with me how I can support you as well as both honor and value the relationship between us.
xo
Sincerely,
the true Nicole
Thank you for coming here to read about my healing journey. By you being here, you are an ally in my healing journey. As part of my journey I wish to see myself being alive, being loved, being wrapped and emerged in joy and truth (good or bad), being truly in love with myself for the remainder of my life, and allowing others to feel their own feelings while braving the opinions of others even if they are critical.
By doing the work to love myself, I can see my value, my self worth, and to stand firm in my power and strength without being scared of it or wondering and hoping not to get swept up by what others think of me. This journey is one I wish to share, not because I’m asking for help, but to accept that life outside of healing is still there, and I love all of you enough (whomever you are and wherever you are) to want to share. I want to offer my apologies where they are needed and offer forgiveness where it is meant to be given.
Your words matter to me even if you aren’t sure they will help me on this journey, but perhaps they will help me in my future or I may never fully hear them and that is okay too. Speak your truth friends and stand in your own power with me, listen to your authentic self speak inside you and allow it to come out if it feels right.
Here’s my healing path explained
I believe in this life, we all heal our wounds differently. I used to think that healing meant not being allowed to look in on or at how the people I love are doing or what they might be saying about me. To not know about anyone or anything, to focus entirely on myself and escape the real world until I returned with new wisdom, is a temporary solution for me.
While I don’t judge anyone that feels that this method works for best them. I am working on being aware of when my advice is mindful and accepting or controlling and judge mental.
A journey that is started is meant to have its peaks and valleys. Try as I might, I will only heal when I am meant to and not a moment sooner.
Through my open healing, I want to experience a true, a full and an enlightened healing that stays with me for many years to come. I strongly disagree that those who choose to heal out loud are codependent or seeking attention. Sometimes, I just find it easier to hear the perspectives as others, and being able to draw inspiration and comfort when the world gets overwhelming. I believe that there is nothing wrong with being connected to those around you as long as you can hear your inner voice speaking louder than the voices of others and always do what is best for you from the inside out.
My Spiritual Realization with My Higher Power
My Lord Jesus, who I believe created me (and mind you I don’t expect anyone to have the same belief as I do and I will never judge you for your beliefs), wanted me to be a beacon of connection to life through love and joy. He created me to start fires when they were necessary to provide me growth and to have the power to put the fire out in the timing He planned for me. He didn’t leave me alone with or in the fire, He never let me burn alive, He always made sure that there were many escape plans for me to use should I need them, and He never let me set fires that He knew I couldn’t handle. He believes in me, because He knows who I am more than anyone else. He knows that He built me to be capable of chaos with purpose, but also capable of deep, unconditional love for my neighbors and the creatures He created to roam this Earth. Furthermore, and to finish this thought, He never left me alone in the fire and always made sure that I got what I needed from it before I walked away.
He always stood with me, guiding me like only a devoted Father can. So to my Lord I say, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for revealing your love and purpose for me in the life you have blessed me with. For continuing to love me through my stubbornness, doubts and insecurities. I may not have understood your reasons for presenting me with my past and present hardships, I may have cursed at you at times for the pain I have been in, gotten angry with you Lord and even believed you weren’t there because the pain I was experiencing felt desolate and deeper than the human world could go, but you were sharing your light, knowing that I was meant to be a healer, a loving source of energy, and that the journey to finding that truth would be the most incredible experience of my life. 🙏
My Theory about my Strength and Power and Why Bali was Where I went to Find my Purpose and Kick Start my Healing
When I arrived at the Be Kind Retreats here in beautiful Bali, the incredibly strong and wonderful Loes said something in the opening ceremony that will forever stay with me. She said:
If you ask for it, Bali always gives you what you want and need.
She was so unbelievably right and maybe she doesn’t know it, but she will be with me forever because she said that. I believe the moment those words left her mouth, she unlocked my deepest healing power within myself. She showed me my true strength and my truest healing purpose. It wasn’t what I expected at all and at first that scared me. Now I am so exhilarated to finish this journey, after absorbing the power it’s providing, and be embraced by my truest self. For the story of my truest self, I will write a separate blog because what I saw when I met my true self, has me so beyond encouraged to be her.
My theory about why I came on this healing journey was because I felt that I was being consumed by pain and distrust from within myself. I was drowning and no one was able to save me. Now I know it wasn’t someone’s job to save me, it was my own job that I was neglecting because it appeared too hard. The truth is that the healing journey was meant for me to meet my power and strength and to understand the purpose of these incredibly large forces that were bestowed upon me and earned by me through my suffering.
See the way (I learned here in Bali) is that my power and strength works for healing myself by healing those around me and experiencing the good and bad connections of life while healing myself. I want to be surrounded with good vibes, love, and to bring my people along on this journey to be a part of the steps I take to meet my true self.
My enlightenment comes for and from those I love regardless of how some might disagree with that belief or believe that is codependency causing this. Truly, I believe codependency is a symptom of not understanding the true forces of exchanging love and power. That is something I am working on doing honestly and with intention too. Furthermore, I don’t ask for opinions so people make my choices for me, I ask for opinions so I can gather perspective as I make big decisions. If you ask my mother, bless her patient heart, I will likely not take your advice because I am going to inevitably do it the way that feels right for me, whether it is right or wrong to anyone else.
Fresh Fruit Smoothies in Ubud with Jim and Lee. Perfect way to show myself love after a tough trek down to the holy water.
I arrived in Bali Indonesia this afternoon at 3:30 Bali time (3:30am in Florida). I admittedly had a few minor panic attacks on my way here thinking about the possibility of being away from my family and friends, alone in a foreign country.
I came here to heal. I came here for clarity, for a chance to learn new ways to care for myself that wouldn’t put me at risk for failure or deplete my energy with my normal responsibilities. I was so scared though…
here’s what happened though. I got off my flight and my anxiety stopped because I felt the relief of healing I knew I would begin to do here. Healing I desperately needed. When you get to Denpasar, the healing energy is so strong here, you can’t help but feel relieved.
I had an amazing few hours. I met some amazing people, including my transportation guy Jim who is super cool and has so much to teach about surfing. I met a guy named Felix from Venezuela as I ate at his restaurant for dinner. We chatted for an hour or so about life and all the awesome adventures he had been on. Then I met an awesome girl from Africa named Rana. We talked for a while about healing naturally and how life can be somewhat unfair.
The hotel I am staying at, called the Kano Villa in Canggu, Indonesia is beautiful and absolutely perfect for me. Nice spacious rooms, comfortable healing atmosphere and they left me a personalized welcome note!
If you ever decide to travel to Canggu, Bali, I highly recommend the Kano Villa! Here’s the hotel and I’m sure you can tell from the pictures that this is a healing place!
Medicine. Nervous breakdowns. Depression. Bipolar. Rapid Cycling. Suicide…. what does it all mean? Why does it happen?
I have been living in this circle of hell for a long time. A place where my mind believes it’s trapped. I’m done being trapped. Being trapped is like not knowing yourself at all and hoping you find yourself one day, “eventually”, “miraculously”.
Many people in my life have told me that “nothing great or worth having ever comes easy”! Well then I guess finding myself will be the greatest quest I ever embarked on because I will finally know me after the hardest few years of my life.
I opened my eyes tonight to this opportunity. It came when I heard this song. Quick tidbit about me, I have an obsession with finding music that I have never heard and seeing if the song can invoke any feelings and this song did.
It’s called “Oceans” by Seafret.
I am sure the song was meant for someone that he loved and lost but in my case, it’s for the me I must have loved at some point but then I lost myself ….
I still wonder how I got so lost. What happened to allow me to drift so far? Maybe I don’t need to know that answer, maybe I do, or maybe I just need to know how to be better than just okay.
I have so many friends I admire so much, for their strength in persevering when life has kicked them down. Maybe they hid their pain better than me, but watching them survive stuff I knew I wouldn’t survive as well made me want to fix me.
My friend K went through a brutal heartache, hurt for a long time, and survived and is thriving. My friend Andrea wrote a book about surviving divorce with children call Single Mom Slaying It. My friend D suffered an illness that doctors couldn’t figure out and tried to put him on mental health meds. My friend M went through a terrible breakup after being in a relationship for ten years.
My friends are WARRIORS! I kept thinking to myself, “Why can’t I be a warrior too?” No one said I couldn’t so I’m going to try with everything left in me to come back from this.
To all of you who have let me in on what you struggle with, thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the strength to believe I can overcome this too. You are all my people for life no matter where we all end up!
The only words that are going through my head is “why?”
Three letters and a world of uncertainty behind what they might mean for me, what the answer might be.
Will I be ready to hear the answer?
… I am sure you are wondering why I am asking why? Or maybe you think I am losing it and my journey is too dramatic for you? I am too negative? Too much for you?
Well this might not surprise you but why do you think I don’t want to burden anyone anymore? Because of this ……
I ask myself, my few friends I know still care, and my family why am I like this? Why do I have to live like this? Why can’t I be surface-level normal like everyone else, even with medication?
Why …..
I don’t know that I want to know the answer. Perhaps the answer may be exactly the damage I will not be brave enough to survive. So I will live with the Why’s until I am strong enough, brave enough, to hear the reason and believe it.
Hopefully the answer to Why will not matter anymore by then.
Maybe it’s just me, but letting go has never been easy for me. In fact I feel abandoned, rejected and deep emotional pain when someone says to me, “you have to let go.” I feel like the option is worse than the thought of dying, but perhaps that why it is necessary.
Some of my friends tell me to be alone for a while, some of them tell me to enjoy myself and figure it out along the journey. It’s time for me to figure that out.
What do I want? And what’s the goals to getting what I want?
I dreamed for a long time of being an astronaut then I grew a fear of that concept when history class taught me about the space shuttle that exploded before take off. My new dream then became being a doctor. But with two kids and no time or money to spare, and a serious lack of interest in calculus, that seems like a lofty dream.
I guess I need to start dreaming again at 32. I need to write myself a new story with a new dream, new goals and new confidence.
Letting go of him, of the family I built and thought I would never lose, has been the worst pain I have experienced in a long time. I have to accept it and let the tears come when they do so I can believe in myself again. So I can wash away the pain and grow from here. Sadness scares me, loneliness sounds sad, and I never wanted either of those two emotions to become my own reality. I guess it just proves that I am capable of more than you ever imagined about myself! One day at a time.
Goals for now:
Goal number 1: I have to start driving! I have to do this so I can open all the doors I have closed in my life since I developed a fear of driving.
Goal number 2: become the best mom I could ever be! Give my boys all my love, affection and happiness. They are the priority, they are my only concern!
Goal number 3: quit smoking and begin transforming my health. No more junk, better eating habits, better fitness routines, better self love and a lot more balance in my life.
Goal number 4: more spirituality and more focus on being mentally healthy.
I think I owe it to myself to start this journey and begin to gain momentum with these goals so I can believe in myself again, instead of hiding from myself and the world. To begin, my first piece is to accept that my family is broken but it isn’t going to break me and my children. I hated the thought of being alone, being a single mom, but I am going to be okay if I focus on my true happiness and finding what’s next for myself.
Suicide is not selfish. Suicide is deep and inescapable pain that could only be ended when life is over. September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day, educate yourself on suicide and save a life.
Today is “World Suicide Prevention Day”. It’s a little ironic that it is one day before 9/11 when a group of men decided to commit suicide and take the lives of many innocent people while ending their own lives.
I have struggled to understand suicide until I myself was forced to face the overwhelming feelings of wanting to end the pain during some tough depressive episodes. I was surprised to learn that suicide isn’t isolated to just those who suffer from mental health disorders, which I had always believed, however, suicide affects many people for many different reasons. I feel blessed to have had a strong support system in my toughest and darkest moments.
What World Suicide Prevention Day Means to me: My Suicide Stories
Today is an important day for me because I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and ideations for many years. Trying to remind myself that I am not a burden to those I love is the hardest thing to do when I feel as low as I could be. Many times, I fought for my survival before I would reach a point of Suicide because of TJ.
When I was 15, TJ, the first man I ever loved, took his own life. I spent 17 years blaming myself, feeling enormous grief, and struggling with the agony of knowing he was gone. Until recently, when I spoke to his brother about what really led to his decision, I blamed myself for being the last one to speak to him before he made the choice that changed my life forever.
I didn’t know then what I know now. What I learned through my own depression is that suicide doesn’t discriminate about whether someone is beautiful, popular, easy to get along with, caring, and honest, suicide is an inescapable depressive state where your mind is at war with itself and has convinced you that if you live, the people who love you have to be burdened by your pain and hopelessness. That the people who love you will always have to work exceptionally hard to remind you that you are worthy and that you will be okay.
The simple truth is people who commit suicide do so to save the people they love from having to be burdened by their own deep sadness and pain. Suicidal thoughts don’t see another option when you are staring at the abyss of deep and endless depression. The depression becomes all consuming, sucking away your energy, all the positive thoughts, all the love you have, and all the reasons you are worthy. Depression doesn’t fight fair, in fact it fights you with your deepest fears, your worst memories, your hardest losses and all the self conscious parts of yourself. It reminds you constantly that you are worthless, ugly, unloved, unhappy, and a huge burden to the people whom you love.
Most people say to me when I’m low, “what about your children? What about your family? You have so much to live for and so many people who love you. You are so kind, beautiful, talented and you are better than this.” I have even heard people say, “snap out of it, stop being dramatic. Your life seems so perfect. You are going to hurt so many people. Don’t leave me because I love you and it will kill me to see you gone.”
The reality is this, when you are at the edge of a cliff, you have already made the choice that the ones you love are better off without you and the burdens you believe yourself to be (no matter how untrue it is). In your mind, you are staring into a great void. You have been fighting for days, weeks and years to convince yourself that you are worthy, but you have failed at doing that and the only way to escape is to end the pain, to stop the thoughts and be at peace. There is no, “get it together” switch inside the mind. Being attacked by the mind is a war far greater than most people realize.
Depression illuminates the brain and sets your mind into a free fall of all the sadness and negativity you have ever experienced. It’s traumatizing to experience painful memories all over again in vivid detail as the brain fires off one thing after another.
I used to have panic attacks when I would think about suicide, then I started to embrace that I wasn’t enough and never would be. Many of you have never, and hopefully will never, know what it feels like to stare into the darkness and how much strength it takes to come out of it with your life. I don’t have a desire to die, but many times I had a desire to end the torment so I can be at peace.
Today, for World Suicide Prevention Day, check on someone who you feel or know is struggling. Take it from me, if someone would have checked on me during my hopelessness, I may have had a reason “why not” to resort to suicide. Someone sharing that they care in my darkest hour may have given me a small glimmer of hope to get help before I found myself writing my final goodbyes. A phone call, not a text, or a visit can save a life. Be someone’s hero so you never have to attend their funeral and feel the blame of not having done something to show them you care.
Learn more about Suicide
A great resource is The Depression Project. They share incredible information about detecting whether or not someone you love is at risk for suicide. The Depression Project started the Semicolon Project
Suicide is a complex issue involving numerous factors and should not be attributed to any one single cause. Not all people who die by suicide have been diagnosed with a mental illness and not all people with a mental illness attempt to end their lives by suicide.
Andrew Solomon delivers a deeply profound truth during his TED Talk entitled, “Depression, the Secret We Share.”
We know depression through metaphors. Emily Dickinson was able to convey it in language. Goya in an image. Half the purpose of art is to describe such iconic states. As for me, I had always thought myself tough, one of the people who could survive if I had been sent to a concentration camp.
He continues to say,
One of the things about depression is that you know it’s ridiculous. You know it’s ridiculous while your experiencing it. You know that most people manage to listen to their messages and eat lunch and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door and that it’s not a big deal, and yet you are none-the-less in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it.
The following poem was written around the year 2000. This poem was about a time in my life where I was molested and scared that I may be raped by someone. It took a long time to get passed the painful experience. I learned, in that moment, that as a young girl, he took my innocence from me. It was a reality I couldn’t escape and I was worried I never would. This happened when I was about 16 and it hurt me deeply in so many ways. I wish I would have never let the things he did hurt me for as long as it did.
Here’s what happened. I was with a friend and her mom in Miami visiting the mom’s boyfriend. We all hung out in the pool enjoying a hot summer day in South Florida. My friend and I got out of the pool and decided to lay down and take a nap since it was blazing hot outside. After lying down and closing my eyes. I drifted off only to wake up to the mom’s boyfriend pushing his fingers into you know where and I could feel him on my legs. I was paralyzed with fear and he pulled his fingers out and started grabbing my legs to pull them apart, using pressure because I was trying to keep him away from me. He grabbed so tight that I had bruises for about a week after the incident.
When I woke up completely, he whispered in my ear that he was going to “Fuck me” and if I screamed he would choke me to death. My adrenaline started pumping and I kicked him in the balls and he fell off of me so I began to run away. I ran down the road in a terrible neighborhood with my clothes, purse, and shoes in my hand. I called my friend to come and get me and I headed home. I never spoke to the girl or her mother because I was so scared of the boyfriend who threatened to kill me. I never wanted my parents to know either because my uncle molested me when I was 14 or 15 and they didn’t seem to believe me so I kept it to myself and I wrote this poem. Hope you all enjoy it.
You Hurt Me
You took me
you urged me
into a daze,
you pulsated my blood
into a craze.
But all of a sudden
you thought you were right,
that even if I tried
you would put up a fight.
Suddenly I knew
I was lost and confused,
You made me feel broken
just scared and used.
When you took something
you knew you could not,
you stepped on my heart
and hurt me a lot.
I know I should say this
only in my head,
But you left discomfort
on the sheets of this bed.
The bruises and hand marks
you left on my thighs,
are proof that will show
through your bullshit and lies.
You will be sorry
for the pain that you start,
I don’t have much proof
but I’ll know in my heart.
I’m still a young girl
you’re a stupid old guy,
You said you saw innocents
in the soul of my eyes.
You’re pitied and ugly
but you’ll know why,
I’ll hurt and I’ll wonder
but you’ll never see me cry.
-Niki Maria
I do not know what my life would have been like had I not had to experience being molested and almost raped. I wonder sometimes if I would have been stronger, more cautious, been a doctor, a happier person, never experienced a panic attack or anxiety attack? I will never know. When someone takes away that innocence without your consent, it destroys the way you start to look at life. I never felt the same after being molested. It happened twice to me. I don’t know how I could have avoided it, but the first time it happened, it was my uncle. The second time, which is written about in this poem, I couldn’t have avoided it. I am making life the best I can now, but these traumas come back to haunt me regularly. I just hope that I have gotten passed them now and I can live a happy life.
If you have been dealing with some guilt from lying to someone you love, or have trust issues from being lied to, or live with mental health disorders and find yourself living in a fantasy world, this new podcast is for you. The Sounds of Life and The Panic Spot joined forces to talk about a sensitive subject, lying and trust issues. There is a lot to be said about lying for the proverbial normal person versus the mentally ill.
In my life, I have had many instances when I found myself being told that I said something I didn’t remember saying (whether true or not) because I lived in a fantasy world. Why did I live in a fantasy world? Due to a combination of little trauma’s and then some big ones as well as trying to cope with bipolar disorder. Eventually trauma catches up to you and changes the makeup of your brain. (side-note: I have always wondered to myself if post traumatic stress disorder PTSD can cause bipolar disorder?) I have been told since I was about 10 or 11 that I have bipolar disorder. I laughed and went on living my life like any therapist, doctor, psychiatrist or whomever tried to tell me that I was sick with this illness, didn’t exist. I even went as far as printing up a whole bunch of stuff on my windows 95 computer disputing my issues. Of course, looking back on it now, I was looking more bipolar simply for doing that.
Anyways, I wanted to share that little bit about my personal experience with bipolar disorder because it has hugely impacted my life, especially where trust and lying is concerned. I hope you have the chance to listen and enjoy the podcast. Leave a comment and let me know your thoughts as well as what you would like to hear more about. Being bipolar is tough, share your story with me anytime at thepanicspot@gmail.com or on Instagram @colliee87 or any other social media account for The Panic Spot. I am always here for all of you. I know how tough this illness can be on you, your family and your personal and professional life. Don’t give up fighting the good fight, even when you encounter endless obstacles.
An Occasional Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love, The Way of the Marys, and The Age of the Heart. . .with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
The Panic Spot 