Panic Disorder: The Beginning & Now

Have you lived with panic disorder? Have you been told it has no cure? Well I am here to squash that belief by telling my own story and why I believe panic disorder is not a life sentence.

I think research is flawed on the topic of panic disorder. I have been diagnosed with Panic Disorder, which according to the symptoms, I definitely agree that I have (had) panic disorder for a period of time. Let me give you a some information.

I developed panic attacks after my son was born 11 years ago. Prior to his birth, I was a soldier. I never feared things out loud. I was scared all the time but never let the fear stop me from living my life.

In my life, I had experienced many of the phobias or fears people live with everyday. For example, I have been stuck on the road in the middle of nowhere when a tornado came out of the sky and right for the road I was on. I have been stuck in an elevator on a cruise ship with my aunt and 2 other people when the elevator lost power, dropped between floors, and stopped functioning. I had viral pneumonia after my trip to Bali, and I stopped breathing in front of my two children. I was in a relationship with a man who threw my head into a window sill and I was trauma hawked to a trauma hospital with bleeding in my brain. I was in a hit and run car accident when a man decided he would kidnap my two friends and I. I had my heart broken when my first love hung himself from a swing set. I watched a dear friend die right in front of me from a drug overdose and I called for help that didn’t make it in time. I attempted suicide nearly 3 times and one of those times, I barely survived. I have been in numerous fist fights, including with girls 3 times my size, for bullying my handicap brother or anyone who couldn’t defend themselves, and I didn’t get killed. I got jumped at a skating rink for no reason in which I was attacked by a man and 3 women when I was 14. I suffered severe injuries and I vowed to never let myself be caught like that again. I traveled to a country that I knew nothing about and had no friends or familiar people to meet there for 5 weeks by myself. I have had to endure over 10 surgeries. I gave birth by emergency c-section when my child was born and endured 2 years of him screaming till he lost his voice or passed out because he is autistic. I sat through over 50 funerals before I turned 20. And the list goes on and on.

When I think about all the times in my life where fear should have captured my attention, but didn’t, I cannot imagine panic. Logically, I question why? Why is it so? Why should I live with panic now after all I survived already?

There are too many things we are conditioned to believe as society. This is something I call a mass belief. The definition of belief is
an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists. So therefore, mass belief is an acceptance by a large group that something is true and exists.

I can’t remember where I read this, but an author wrote about mass beliefs. When people all believe something exists, or something is a certain way, the spiritual, physical and mental belief becomes the reality. Interesting how the truth can change when everyone believes the same story.

When I apply that reasoning to panic disorder, I learn that because it has been written that panic disorder has no cure we must believe it is with us forever and we are are doomed to live our lives in fear.

…. well I am here to tell you that it isn’t true.

I have never ever followed the mass beliefs nor do I care if that makes me an outlier of scientific numerations. The reason is due in large part to my belief in evolutionary theories. For example, what we believed, and what I was taught in school, about our solar system is that we have 9 planets. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune & Pluto. Now they have determined that Pluto is a dwarf planet and therefore doesn’t constitute a planet in the solar system anymore, so we now have 8 planets. Furthermore, there were 5 oceans, now there are only 4 oceans. If you ask a school aged child how many oceans there are, they will tell you there are 4; Atlantic, Pacific, Indian and Arctic. I remember the Antarctic Ocean, and I additionally remember being taught in school that the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean too.

When you think of how evolutionary theories have changed due to access of new information or simplifying, we find that nothing in the world is set in stone. The main reason I shared these two examples are because no one thought it was weird that educators proved a theory, that trickled down to the public and became a mass belief. Yes, they reevaluated the true facts and realized it wasn’t accurately describing what was real, but an entire ocean and planet of the solar system that existed in science books when I was a child, is no longer true.

Much like a google search on panic disorder will yield results that you are doomed for a life of panic attacks, I disagree. Panic attacks are just a phase in life, a way to remind us to pay attention to ourselves. Science has no evidence to prove that this is forever, other than the words or experiences of a panicker who feels the disorder is forever. Let that sink in for a moment, do you want to be panicking forever? My answer is HELL NO!

Science of Panic Disorder

Researchers have said that panic disorder is a chemical imbalance. That panic comes from an imbalance in neurotransmitters.

Naturally occurring chemical messengers, known as neurotransmitters, send information throughout the brain. The human brain is thought to have hundreds of these different types of neurotransmitters, and biological theories suggest that a person can become more susceptible to developing panic disorder symptoms if one or more of these neurotransmitters do not remain balanced.

https://www.verywellmind.com/is-panic-disorder-caused-by-a-chemical-imbalance-2583984

Hold on for one moment, let’s look at this more prominently. A chemical imbalance is also where Bipolar Disorder comes from, which science has proven involves the neurotransmitters being damaged in production causing severe symptoms of high-highs and low-lows, but now it is said that panic disorder is doing the same?

Let me level with you, if you want to have panic attacks forever, by all means, have it your way, science will support you. However, if you are like me and believe that you have the power to heal this, then start to believe it now.

I didn’t drive for 6 years, then I decided I was done being a victim to panic attacks and panic disorder. I didn’t need medication or therapy to change my outcome, I simply needed a belief in myself, to let go of the fear of a panic attack, and push myself past the discomfort. Anxiety is natural and everyone has it, but I will not be stopped by sudden moments of intense fear anymore because they are not true and they manifest through me. My chemicals will heal with my belief in being stronger than the panic and by my ability to take charge and live, instead of letting life happen to me.

You are strong for having fought a panic attack and won, therefore you are strong enough to believe this is not forever. The science of the brain will never be solved. Brain mapping is never going to be possible in my opinion, because the brain is the epicenter of evolution and change.

The brain is too strong and resilient for any scientists to make sense of it. That my friends is why I choose to believe that EVERYTHING is curable if we choose to believe it is. Just like many cancer patients are cured out of the blue, Panic disorder is curable and I am proving that.

You want to know the secret to ending panic disorder? Do you want to know how you stop yourself from panicking? It’s incredibly simple, and took me far too long to realize, you must stand up to it! Believe in something other than the doom and gloom, believe that there is something bigger than you out there and that what is meant to be will be with or without your acceptance.

I will not allow myself to dwell in the darkest parts of my mind, I will believe in something bigger and better because I know that my brain is a gift from my higher power and no human will ever tell me that it is not working.

Be free! Give yourself permission.

Super Bummed

I have been sick to my stomach all night. Absolutely hate this. I don’t want a stomach bug right now!! Been burning up all night feeling like absolute death, which is making my anxiety so high. I have tossed and turned till I finally decided to write out my anxiety.

I started a new job that I literally love with a company I am so proud to be a part of. I feel like I have a future and I’m excited. I think that’s why I have so much anxiety, because being sick isn’t a good look only 5 days into this amazing position.

I am praying that it’s a 24 hour bug and I’m good by tomorrow. Really hoping it goes away tomorrow morning and I’m asking for hardcore prayers friends. I’m sure it’s the stomach bug the kids and my man just had, so fingers crossed. The heartburn is no fun at all!!

How To Love Someone Unconditionally

I have heard the advice on the topic of lasting love from happily married couples repeating itself in my mind.

The secret to lasting love is learning to love someone unconditionally.

Sounds so easy right? Unfortunately, I have never had a basic knowledge for what it means or what it takes to love someone unconditionally (besides my parents, family, and children). I have had a great example, but no personal experience. Therefore in this post I want to share what I learned on my quest to understanding unconditional love, what it means to me, and how I plan to implement it in my life with a lover, and with myself. My blog posts on understanding love will likely turn into a series due to the complexity of the emotion.

The Definitions in Simple English

When I start researching a topic, the first step I take is to define the variables, then I research what each variable means and what it represents. I am a programmer so that is the process I take in writing code or understanding life. The variables in this post are the words, “unconditional” and “love”.

I need to understand what they mean on their own, as separate entities. The thing I love, and loath, about the English language are the varying degrees of uncertainty in defining things. Every definition leaves so much room for interpretation.

I’m going to start with unconditional.

According to the dictionary, unconditional is:

not subject to any conditions, absolute.

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/unconditional

The thesaurus offers similes that include:

decisive, definite, explicit, full, genuine, outright, thorough, unequivocal, unlimited, unqualified, and unrestricted (among many more).

https://www.thesaurus.com/browse/unconditional

What I got from this is that unconditional is essentially a sure thing, unbreakable, and completely unlimited.

Now for defining love, which is not as easy. Love has so many thousands of definitions, depending on context, which makes it harder to define. Let me start with the dictionary. According to the dictionary, love means:

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/love

Due to my religious beliefs, here’s what the Bible says about Love:

“There are three things that amaze me—no, four things that I don’t understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman.”

Proverbs 30:18-19

“Entreat me not to leave you, Or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, And there will I be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, If anything but death parts you and me.”

Ruth 1:16-17

“Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’ … So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.”

Genesis 2:18–25

Let’s examine briefly, the difference between being in love with someone and loving someone wholly.

Love or In Love?

On my quest to understanding unconditional love, I learned of the differences between being in love and loving someone. I didn’t know there was a difference and more so, I had no idea that there was actually more to “love” then just the electricity of a connection or the building of a relationship.

Being “in love” is a like a cosmic explosion. It comes on passionately, madly even, and consumes your thoughts, revs up your emotions, and develops strong surface level feelings that are fleeting. To be in love is what many define as having acute feelings. These feelings aren’t lasting, but they have the capacity to turn into something great if both parties work at it and except each other at face value.

Being in love with someone can fade over time. With this in mind, when you’re in love with someone, this spike of intense feelings and emotions can be fleeting. In other words, you can go from intensely adoring someone and being hopelessly in love with him or her to having these emotions diminish as time passes on and the novelty has worn off. In fact, being in love with someone isn’t a guarantee that you’ll feel this same way forever.

https://www.mydomaine.com/whats-the-difference-between-being-in-love-and-love-3976739

Loving someone is sustainable. To love someone, you are pledging to weather the storms together. Loving someone is what is needed to have a partner for life. Loving someone is unconditional, and leads to the creation of strong families. To love someone, you risk the arguments about real life topics to see reveal if you have a lasting connection. Loving someone is unconditional.

Loving someone on the other hand, goes beyond the physical presence. You desire to see them grow, you see past their flaws, you see opportunities of building into each other and together; you motivate, encourage and inspire one another. You do not have to second-guess or ask before you step in to do so. Loving someone requires 100 percent commitment on your part. The concept of true love is hard to comprehend by some. Hence, they get the wrong impression when dating someone who completely gets it. They cannot seem to understand why they deserve the love you are giving. This may make the relationship feel like it is one-sided.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/falling-in-love-vs-loving-someone_b_57709758e4b0fa01a14049fa

Now that I know what love and unconditional mean by definition of the English language, and what it means to be in love or love someone, I’m going to deduce my understanding and make some assumptions.

Simple Addition & Subtraction

Unconditional says definitively that it is absolute. It is forever and has no conditions that must be met. Unconditional is unrestricted, unlimited, undisputed by rules and “should be’s”.

Then love is affection, tenderness and warmth that deeply connects two people. Love is a union of a relationship. Love is the simplest of thing, but yet the most important emotional need of all humans. Many emotions seem to stem from love and therefore love is the goal in emotional contentment. This goes for all relationships in life.

My way of defining unconditional love is that it is an affection that is given unselfishly, without burden, and represents loyalty, compassion, trust, communication and the promise of always being there. Unconditional love is the kind of love that can withstand any storm knowing it can’t shake or rattle the connection or the desire to be connected to each other. Unconditional love is loving someone wholeheartedly and excepting that the person is imperfectly human.

Love is not just a word. Love is truly hard to understand and when we experience deep feelings that we know will flee, we know we have fallen in love and what we do next determines if the love is forever or not.

Now that I know the secret to lasting love, I want to know how to ensure it doesn’t disappear or fade with time. My next post on this topic will focus on how to keep love alive. I want to know how to keep choosing love or walking away when life gets hard. Love, in my experience, is very fragile. If you don’t find new ways to love before you walk, it will disconnect you from the person you love. The results are miserable, depression-driven heartache.

I would love to hear what you think about the topic of unconditional love. Share what you have learned or links that you found helpful. I love learning about emotions and how I can be my best version always.

Strength is a Curse

Where do the Strong People Go to Fall Apart? Where do I lean when my whole entire life is ripping at the seams? Where do I cry? How do I cry? How do I feel joy? Where is the joy in the world when everyone leans on you?

I’m falling down, but no one sees me, no one notices it. They all believe my strength will save me. This time I don’t know what to do, who to turn to, who to talk to, what to feel or even what to think. My insides are hurting, my whole body is drained from fighting off the anger, the pain and the stress of everyone else around me. I’m so tired.

Being strong is a curse. It’s a curse because you know you have to be the leader, the one who has to break themselves in half to help the people who can’t see that you are doing them a favor.

Being strong means you have to be capable of handling heartache and sadness in a raw and miserable way. You have to hear how you are an asshole for hurting someone when you are trying to help someone be the best version of themselves while also trying to give them the best version of you.

Being strong means you have to be comfortable being alone in your pain because no one will be able to handle the pain you carry. Even if you just lean on them slightly, you will crush a person who isn’t meant to carry the load you are meant to carry.

Being strong means you have to shovel shit, while shoveling more shit and then keep shoveling even when your arms are begging for a break.

Being strong means you have to cry to yourself because your break down is more comparable to an atomic bomb exploding and wrecking everything in its path.

Being strong means giving others your positive energy even when you need it. This is because just some of your strength can move mountains for those with less strength.

Being strong means you will attract people who are weaker because they need you and believe in you.

Being strong is a curse. It’s a curse I would gladly walk away from and happily find a strong person to lean on.

I’m exhausted, bleeding inside, breaking at the seams and ready to escape this hell or being a strong person. I don’t want this curse, I don’t want to break my own heart to feel like I’m doing the right thing.

The worst part is that the strongest people I know die young. They die from trying to be too strong for too long. I have to hope for a different outcome. I hope my Lord is watching my back as I struggle to find good in a world that has crushed me and devastated me over and over and over again.

The Fragile State of Frustration

In life, I have made these choices that I knew would probably end up bad at the time I made them, but I forged forward ignoring the clear signs. Maybe my hope in humanity is much greater than it should be, but I can’t stop believing that people are more good than bad.

I was taught by my amazing parents to treat others the way you want to be treated. I struggled for a long time with this lesson, and I even lied to myself that I was doing it, when I wasn’t in many cases. I know lately, I have been making an amazing effort to be good to those who are good to me and that is a beautiful transformation.

The Frustration About My Recent Choices

Lately, I have made an insane amount of good and bad choices in regards to my happiness and who I surround myself with.

The best choice I have made lately is my choice in a lover. My sweet, handsome spark of goodness who makes everything positive, even when it seems impossible.

The worst choices I have made, as of recently, was letting an old friend tear me apart again, believing she was actually a good person who was capable of love and compassion. Then I made the bad choice of believing (and having faith) that my ex was capable of being a decent human being when clearly he isn’t, and never will be. Both of these people do not have boundaries and would benefit from learning how to give as much as they take, and now I know that they are not good for me. It hurts a lot to let them both go again, but at least I stayed true, and authentic to myself throughout the situations that were meant to destroy my self confidence. I gave them both a chance in hopes that there was more to the story then the pain and destruction they continuously bring into my life.

I’m moving forward now

Someone once said to me:

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

From now on, I am no longer going to waste my time, energy and loyalty on people who don’t wish to exchange energy in a healthy way. I have an amazing amount of love in my life because I surround myself with good, decent, positive people who do not believe in harming me for fun or shoving their feelings down my throat as though I have no feelings to feel myself.

I want to blame my need to salvage bad relationships and selfish people from their personal torments on my own empathy, but truly I just care so much and have so much compassion for others that I give my heart and soul to everything and, sometimes, I never get the same respect in return.

In fact, I got told that I am abusive, and narcissistic because I wrote an honest post about my own feelings on a situation that hurt me. The post, entitled, “Speaking to the Wall with Thorns,” was my lament for how I felt after being hurt by someone for the millionth time. It was a healing post for me.

Although I never mentioned any names in my post, it was stated that the person who was the subject of the post was hurt by it. Due to this fact, it gave this person the right to emotionally abuse me even when I stopped fighting and defending myself through a text message war that came out of nowhere.

No!

Abuse is when you continue to come at someone with physically, emotionally, and mentally damaging intentions because you either derive joy from hurting someone else or you feel that you’re feelings or thoughts are more valid then the other persons.

I am not that kind of person. I don’t derive pleasure from hurting others nor do I want to invalidate another persons feelings to justify my own. I don’t need someone to validate my feelings and I don’t need to righteously justify myself in anyway. My intentions are always to love and appreciate others. I may have a hard time sometimes, but I always pull through to love and appreciate others.

The Good Choices Shine Brightest

When I finally reached my limit of drama with my recent choices, I had a momentary break down this morning. I looked up and my best choice was meeting my teary eyed glance with sympathy. He cared about my hurt, my pain, and it wasn’t a half hearted care, it was a truly devoted, truly sincere care for my wellbeing. He looked at me like he would do anything to see me smile through the pain he witnessed me experiencing these past few days.

That amazing choice in my seemingly messy, and chaotic life is a great man. I feel sometimes that I don’t deserve him at all! He is a truly awesome person who will do whatever he can to make me smile through the pain or hold me while I cry it out.

He saw me down and gave me chocolate ♥️🙏

In return, I feel the same way! I never want to see him in pain and I am beyond grateful to have his loving embrace when the overwhelming burden of over-loving and over-caring for ungrateful and harmful people is too great for me. This is an exchange of good energy with someone capable of giving and receiving energy in a healthy way.

Note to Self From The Pain to The Gain

Note to self moving forward from this horrible storm in my life right now, I am worthy of respect and love from those who I invite into my life. I will not ever be held down by my past or treated unkindly to justify someone else’s feelings or stressors. Compassion and ability to care for someone even when you don’t always agree, is a must in my choice of who will stay in my life from this moment on.

I try to remember, we are all stressed and we all have feelings, but no ones feelings and stressors are more important or more valid than another person’s feelings or stressors.

Literally, No one is more important than another.

It does not make me narcissistic or selfish if I miss a message, or don’t always have time to listen one time to someone I care for (especially when it is rare that I can’t find time for everyone I love). If I am working a million hours to care for two special needs kids, or have a lot on my plate in general, I don’t need to justify that to someone who’s intentions are to harm me regardless. In addition, every single person has narcissistic traits, but if you believe someone is narcissistic because they are doing the best they can to get by, then is it really worth it to try to hurt them? No!

No more!

I will not have friends or people in my life who want to be passive-aggressive, or flat out aggressive, and hurt me even when I say, “I’m sorry,” for something I don’t fully believe I should be sorry for.

The sad reality I am beginning to see is that there are people who don’t want an apology. Sorry is just the beginning of your efforts to make them happy, then they want your undivided attention whenever they ask for it, and all of your time should be theirs if they ask for it also. This kind of relationship or friendship is too much of a burden for me. I don’t need this drama in my life. I choose to send these people away with love and leave it alone.

I am happy with who I have become and I had a momentary breakdown when I looked at my recent choices and realized that these two people have made me question if I really changed or not. If someone makes me question my kindness, my unconditional love for others, or my sanity, they aren’t good for me.

It’s hard for me to accept defeat, but I am not going to fight for someone else’s respect, love or loyalty anymore.

You showed me who you are, and I choose to believe you and send you away with love and hope you find happiness in this life. ♥️🙏

Compassion Is Necessary

The word I want to highlight in this post is compassion.

If someone shows kindness, caring, and a willingness to help others, they’re showing compassion. This is a word for a very positive emotion that has to do with being thoughtful and decent. Giving to a charity takes compassion. Volunteering to work with sick people or animals takes compassion.

Vocabulary.com

I live with Bipolar Disorder, and it’s hard to explain why I feel the way I feel sometimes, but I do my best. I love many people whom always live with this unpredictable and often unsavory illness.

Loving someone who lives with bipolar disorder, is as hard as trying to love myself when I feel broken. I have so much love inside my heart that I do my best to remind myself that my love is so huge that even in the worst moments, when I want to yell at someone, I choose to love them anyway.

I struggle in life like everyone else. I struggle to be compassionate in tough situations, but I never forget to send my love in the direction of whomever needs it, even to an enemy and even when it is late to arrive. I truly just want to love everyone and give everyone a chance to be whomever they are without being judged. I can’t judge anyone anyways. I’m so far from perfect, it’s ridiculous to even think I might be at some point, but I will always try my hardest to be good.

If you live with bipolar disorder, just remember to tell the ones you love when you are struggling. I, myself, have a hard time doing this, but I always try to be better than I was before.

I want to leave anyone reading this post with one thing to consider, one mantra when you feel empty, exhausted, and hurt by someone you love who is fighting an invisible threat:

I am capable of loving them through this and I will show compassion.

Try to have compassion for yourself, and for everyone else in the world, even when it’s hard. You never know the struggles of others. We all know that we are not completely broken, we are all beautiful in our own way. For those of you living with bipolar like me, this illness is not who you are.

Just try harder every time to do whatever you can to be fair with yourself, to remember to love yourself enough to fight every step of the way. Fight for your life, fight for every happy moment you can summon, fight for the ones who value you, fight for the good times and the times that are meant to teach you. Fight even when you are bleeding out inside your soul. You have never lost this fight yet, you have the skills, the power and the purpose to be here. You are a warrior even when you feel small and insignificant. I know the fight you are fighting, and the fight isn’t fair. It isn’t a fight for the weak, it is meant for the strongest spirits who are wholehearted and LARGER THAN LIFE! Keep believing in your reasons why not, and keep fighting your ass off.

You. Are. Not. Alone.

Speaking to the Wall with Thorns: Good Bye Ex-Best-Friend

Relationships have always been a struggle for me. I always used to care about the wrong people and I never knew how to set boundaries. I would do things I didn’t realize I was doing and, in the past, I always ended up losing someone close. I didn’t know then that I had codependency issues that were ruining my relationships. Last year, I learned all about boundaries and, since then, I have put them into most of my relationships, finding that there were some exceptions to the boundary rules; namely best friends, significant others and children. Recently, someone I cared for a lot, someone I let inside my boundaries, left me heartbroken. While this blog isn’t about boundaries, I want to share this story to both say good-bye and move on. Here’s what happened …

The aftermath of being hurt so badly by someone I thought was be a “good” friend…

I got hurt (again) by someone who I thought was my “best” friend. Kind of cliche but I shared my whole life with her, spoke to her daily (sometimes more than once) and listened when she needed me to and thought she was doing the same for me.  I was there and thought she was too.  I thought it was the picture perfect friendship dynamic even though I would think to myself sometimes that talking to her was like talking to a wall with thorns.

Then I woke up a few days ago, texted her (like I did every morning), and that’s when I realized she blocked me from contacting her at all. I didn’t have a single warning or reason that this was coming, except that I had a feeling she was pulling away (which I told myself was me being paranoid she would never do that to me!).  No there was not a fight to end our friendship.  We were so close and I don’t even remember having an actual fight during our friendship, other than a disagreement about politics or something less important than what our friendship meant to me.

93cd233601aa2601eb369503af855ea4
Credits

We did a lot of stuff together. Hung all the time, talked for hours on the phone, laughed a lot, loved most of the same music, and bought each other some happiness with our hilarious morning GIF/text exchanges.  She was like an aunt to my kids because she was like a sister to me.  I even shared with her my most intimate relationship and personal struggles in life.  I told her things I would never tell another human. In addition, I drove her 6 hours out of the way to see someone she wanted to see, even though the person we drove to see only spent 5 minutes with her.  I didn’t care because it was important to her and she was important to me.

She was the kind of friend who showed up, listened to me complain about my relationship woes, my children or life in general.  She seemed to always have some decent advice even if I wasn’t always receptive to it.  She called me out on my bullshit and most of the time I laughed and said, “whoops I lied,” (yes I am imperfect).  But she got me, or at least I thought she did.

I tried to be understanding because I knew her life wasn’t easy.  She is alone and doesn’t know what a healthy relationship with anyone looks like.  She runs when anyone tries to care about her or get close, and runs even faster if you criticize her choices or motives.  Mostly she ran because she didn’t get her way. But a “good” friend doesn’t leave for any reason and I stayed even when I didn’t agree with her choices or actions.

77460575efb1e611ab3ffec049774138
Credits

After realizing I was blocked, I called and left a message.  I was, of course, devastated by the revelation that instead of telling me something was wrong, she chose the route of blocking me everywhere from contacting her. I told her in the voicemail (I don’t remember my exact words) to NOT come back and try to fix this relationship because it obviously doesn’t work. There really is no point in missing someone who doesn’t care about you.

Twenty-four hours after blocking me, she tried to text me (from an app or something because she feels the need to keep me blocked) and I considered reading it.  I thought about it a lot in fact, then I opened my phone and immediately erased it.  I don’t want to have a bitter end to a good friendship. In my opinion, we had a special friendship and I didn’t want to be angry or hurt.  I have lots of people whom I am blessed to have in my life and I don’t need someone who is going to up and leave regardless of the reason.  I was grateful I took some time to grieve the loss for a bit so I could write this blog about my feelings and let it go.

But I finally read the text when I opened my Mac and it didn’t erase (curiosity got the best of me plus I was ready to get upset if need be surrounded by friends at home). Instead I got more nothing ….

Screen Shot 2018-07-16 at 5.37.16 AM
This is super childish, don’t do this to someone you claim to love. Talk to them about an issue before dipping out.

This isn’t the first time she let me down.  In fact, I blamed and judged myself so harshly every time she hurt me in the past.  I didn’t feel it as strong as I do right now because I always knew we would work it out.  This time, I have decided that the days of reconciliation are over because I am so badly hurt this time. That being said I will never feel regret or hate toward her, she can’t help being this way. Honestly if I did, she’s so cold she wouldn’t care. I pride myself on being a forgiving person and I thank my parent’s for raising me to be a loving and kind person in that sense, but I am not a masochist.  I have to look at all the blessings in my life and know when to be done with the things that hurt. Some people need to have masochistic friends so they can hurt then as much as they want without worrying about losing them.  I just can’t be that person.

2ab2da3fa8853b03d809b78136497904
Credits

Friendships and relationships in general depend on communication and not flakiness and judgement. Every single person in the world does something you don’t or won’t like, it is up to you to say, “this is bothering me and it is a deal breaker if it keeps happening.”  Lately, I have been complaining a lot about stressful situations in my life, venting to her about it, but she said nothing about it being a problem. She just ghosted me.

Since I live with Bipolar type 2 and generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks, my sensor isn’t always working to tell me that someone isn’t good for me.  Sometimes I completely miss the signs or I notice and ignore them in hopes that I can find something special where I wasn’t looking, or perhaps, shouldn’t be looking. But just like every general rule in life (follow your gut being the rule), it never works to break the rules. I am going to start trusting my gut and not going against it anymore. I will continue on my journey of self improvement and life will fall into place again.

I know since she has her own issues, she hurts and devastates people a lot, pulling them in and out of her life as if they are toys to be used at her disposal. I have seen her do it to unsuspecting people throughout our own friendship, I just never thought she would do it to me again. The reality is that eventually everyone figures out they are being used or judged or thrown away at a whim. I am trying so hard to give the whole situation some logic because that is how my brain deals with a trauma, but the only logic I see (in my own opinion) is that she is unwilling to give people the chance to be imperfect and that is not something anyone can live up to.

In writing this blog, I am finally letting go of my pain and feeling some hope for my future relationships.  Here is my good bye letter to her (written for me to let go):

Dear ex-best-friend,

Thank you for the valuable lessons you have taught me about relationships, myself and in general. I now understand that I don’t have to feel pain remembering you. I am grateful for the good times and will never regret our friendship.  I know that you are a good person and you hide a lot of yourself from the world, as you did from me.  I know that you have a heart of gold and an amazing ability to listen.  I know how beautiful and wonderful you are and I hope you do too.  Even though our friendship didn’t meet your expectations, I hope that you find a friend who does.  You deserve love and friendship with someone who can be there for you in all the ways I couldn’t be because I know that you have a lot to offer people.

Do not sell yourself short in life, it’s okay to have bad days, just try to be aware if there are too many that something might be wrong. Don’t depend too much on your mom’s opinion because you have one too and it’s okay to trust it especially since you are a lot stronger than you know.  Let someone have room in your heart without any expectations or judgements because love is beautiful even when it is hard at times and almost impossible at other times. Offer forgiveness when someone wrongs you or makes a mistake that seems big because you may end up losing someone important.  Life is too short to hold onto negativity and pain when you could be open and free.  Make sure to eat more than just TV dinners or junk food on a regular basis because they aren’t good for you and don’t drink too many energy drinks so you don’t get sick again.

Fight for yourself, go to therapy so you don’t self-sabatoge and isolate because it is dangerous for many reasons (that you know) and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.  Walk outside of your comfort zone whenever possible so you can experience something worth remembering.  Being alone isn’t something you can look back on and smile. Travel. Write. You are an amazing writer with a gift that no one can take from you. I will try to follow your blog so I can read your work if you let me. Keep being honest because you are the most honest person I know.

Take deep breaths when life gets hard, feel the emotions even when you don’t like them, give everyone a chance to be a part of your life because in the sea of silver you will find gold. As my mom always told me, “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime,” let my reason and season mean something more than just a painful memory. If you choose not to take my advice, that’s okay, I know you will eventually figure out what works best for you.

I will always care even if I can’t keep getting hurt. Our friendship never seems to work because we are too different and I can’t be constantly pushed away, but I will always send positivity and love your way and I hope you will feel it from a distance. Don’t judge too harshly what you don’t fully understand because we all wear our hearts on our sleeves in hopes that someone will accept and love us. I am no different and neither are you.  Despite my tough exterior, I am a soft person who hurts deeply and feels deeply. What you did hurt me deeply, but I will be okay. I will keep working toward my goals and making huge strides in my journey to self betterment. I hope you will do the same.

Be safe with yourself and your choices. I truly hope you will find whatever you are looking for in life, even if you never read this letter, it is always here for you. I am mad at you now, but this too shall pass. Best of luck in life.

Sincerely,

Niki

It Takes me Under Fast…

Some part of me is losing control. The balance is off so badly that I don’t know what to feel.

I feel insecurity. I feel distant. I feel messy. I feel chaotic.

Why?

This is so out of left field, it’s so frustrating!

I know bipolar is not curable. I know I have to learn to deal with that fact, but there are times when I want to run away and never look back. Today is one of those days.

My anxiety is overwhelming, I want to cry and I want to scream in frustration. I want to be angry with my Lord, and the people around me who are thriving while I’m barely maintaining.

No one fully understands the feeling of being tossed and turned on mister toads wild ride like a bipolar patient. It’s miserable to be so completely fucked in the head. You don’t know when the silent threat will strike or if you are even prepared to fight for your life in an exhausting battle against a part of yourself you don’t know.

People go from loving you to thinking your crazy. People go from looking up to you, to wondering how they could have ever thought you knew shit about shit. That is demoralizing and painfully fucking depressing. You can be educated and know what you’re saying is true, but you’re crazy so they don’t hear you anymore.

I watched a good friend fall victim to this condition just the other night. Watching her cry in frustration for the life we are stuck living, is a sad reminder of the waves of hell coming back and devastating the forward progress I have earned.

Brain disorders, which now includes bipolar disorder, affects the brain. Some doctors say:

Medication is the only way to live a normal life.

Others in the field say:

It’s going to take a lot of work. It will never stop being work, but if you do the work, you have a chance at a normal life and a more balanced life.

What about the moments when you stare at yourself in the mirror and think:

Is it worth it? Am I worth all this pain? And how much pain can I take before I end the pain?

Sometimes, I contemplate what true peace is. Like what is it like for someone who doesn’t have bipolar? Are they able to be happy for healthy reasons? Are they more secure in knowing who and what they are? Do they know what it feels like to be lost in their minds pleading with the Lord to help them find strength to survive another demonic attack from within?

I’m exhausted when the depression hits. I feel depleted and lost when the waves of bipolar depression start ripping my mind into shreds and I’m begging for mercy to no end.

To me, it feels like a my brain senses a bad cell that is misfiring and passively bumping into the healthy parts of my brain causing chaos and mayhem. It’s like playing hot potato until the bad cell decides to die off and leave the healthy parts alone. Before it dies, it temporarily kills my joy, my energy, my personality, my stable mood, my beliefs, my values, and all the other things that make me who I am. It’s like watching a horror film where the killer is inside you looking for a chance to attack you when you’re vulnerable and happy.

I love the life I have now, but I feel like I know it won’t last. I know this because I am incapable (despite my truly powerful efforts) to stay balanced with my illness. This illness will be always be my till death do us part unwanted partner. If I neglect it, I suffer. If I focus on it, I suffer. If I beg for help, I suffer. If I fight for my life, I suffer.

Why does this have to happen to me? To all of us suffering (some in silence, some out loud)? Why can’t someone care enough to find a treatment that works all the time? Why can’t I experience joy and happiness without wondering when it will end and I will be lost in the abyss? Someone, Please tell me why I feel the urge to give up? And why tomorrow I can’t sleep for weeks or talk without speaking too fast that I seem neurotic? Someone please tell me why I sometimes can’t feel a thing? And other times I can’t stop feeling all things (good or bad)?

Remember that I am fighting a threat you can’t see or hear, but it is a living hell for me and I’m fighting to remind myself everyday that I am worthy of goodness. I fight every single fucking day till I’m bleeding and begging for a break that never comes. Remember that I survived before but it only gets harder until it ends.

If you care about me, remember that I am partially broken, but my heart is good, my intentions are pure, my shortness or nastiness isn’t from me, it’s from my careful care of my debilitating illness that affects my brain. I suffer and struggle to hold it together but I will not give up if I keep fighting with my whole heart and soul, and sometimes I might look lost and in need of support. Just remember that you don’t have to be stuck in my hell with me, I wouldn’t be here if I had a choice, and I would never want anyone to feel struck by my hell.

Just choose where you want to be and don’t love me at all if you can’t love the parts of me that are broken, because they will never be perfect and I will never be able to apologize for all the pain I can inflict on myself and unintentionally on those that love me.

I’m sorry if you love me, I know I’m hard to love. 😢

The Emotionally Charged

There is a point in time when I realized being bipolar is also another way of saying I am emotionally charged.

What is Emotionally charged to me? Basically, I feel the ups and the downs of life. Everyday we all face stuff, and I often allow the stuff to change my demeanor, my attitude, and my happiness. Thus, I slip into an episode.

While I call it emotionally charged, awareness of the emotional connections between the good and the bad “stuff” in life, the psychiatrist will argue that I have bipolar disorder.

Here’s the thing, I don’t believe that numbing my emotions, crippling my ability to think freely, or draining myself of my energy is worth the risk while taking medication. This is why I elect not to treat my emotionally charged self with medications, but rather I face the “stuff” and try to control my own reactions.

What “Stuff” am I referring to?

Right now in my life, there is “good” and “not so good” stuff. The good “stuff” is that I met someone who makes me smile from cheek to cheek. Someone solid and stable and wonderful.

The bad “stuff”, that keeps bribing me back to a shitty place, is the drama of “so-called” friends and baby daddies.

While I am overjoyed at the amazing man I am getting to know, my ex is becoming someone I literally don’t want to know and the other ex is finally less of a bother to me. It’s become so messy though. It’s emotionally charged!

Sometimes I wonder to myself, “what is the right thing to do,” but I almost never have to wonder to myself, “is there actually anything I can do?” Because most of the time there is always something I can do. Especially where my kids are concerned.

I am hoping I can say some prayers and find some clarity. Being content is the only thing I want for my kids and I right now. Especially after all that has happened.