She Was Too Young …

“Oh Haaa,” she would say with her eyes wide and her mouth perched open with a shocked look on her face.

Then came the contagious laugh and you can’t help but to laugh. Who says, “Oh Haaa?”

She was a person who loved life and laughed at everything in a way that made everyone laugh. She was a fighter who bravely faced incurable stage 4 cancer and was living with it, then Covid-19, where she met her match.

My aunt Joanne was a beautiful person who had her flaws but she was a great person who cared deeply for me and the rest of her family. She may have needed the peace of death, but I wasn’t ready to say good bye and now I’m angry. I’m angry and devastated when I started to believe there was hope. I believed she could fight and win, and when she didn’t, it felt like the air left my body and I went limp inside.

All I want is to see her laughing at me for my silly shenanigans right now. To hug her and tell her I love her just one more time. I know it doesn’t matter what I want anymore, but I really miss her and I really don’t know how to see the positive in her not being here anymore.

I have experienced loss, and each one takes its piece of me. I can’t think of a way to let her go peacefully because I feel like I can hear my soul screaming and my heart breaking in my ears. I don’t know how to let go of be people that are and have been so special in my life.

WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO BE HER? I am so bitter and angry. God, tell me why? Tell me why her and not me? I finally glue myself together, made myself believe there was a method to this madness, and now a virus is taking people willy-nilly. I don’t know why she was chosen, but I’m angry. I’m so angry I can’t think of the good of any of this fuckery anymore.

Fuck life, death is a constant reminder that we have no fucking choice that this is coming. Suck up the shittiness and then your reward is death, and if you are faithful to God you might live forever in Heaven. I don’t even know if there is such a place because he doesn’t give us so much as five seconds to accept reality before someone we love is gone. She didn’t deserve to die alone, no one does. She was already afraid to die. This is fucked.

I don’t want to talk or think or hear anyone’s half hearted bullshit, I just want some fucking answers!

The Lord needs to give some answers! Not a Bible that was written and rewritten a hundred times. Give us a sign we have a reason to believe there is a fucking reason for this bullshit, for the pain and suffering, because I’m losing my reasons to believe you give a shit about me or anyone else.

Author: Niki Maria

I love to be authentic to how I see the world with bipolar disorder, and I grow as a person everyday in my art and love of web development. I have a soft spot for special needs children and adults, and have a son with Autism Spectrum Disorder. My primary focus is to share my love of technology and healing to anyone who wants to learn more.

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